my daily reflections…

of the many areas recovery has had an effect on my life, self-perception is one of the biggest. throughout my teens, 20s, and 30s, the view i had of self had been affected by self-esteem issues i had developed durin my youth. i had learned not to trust myself due to emotional abuse from those i thought were posed to love me unconditionally. these issues created even more problems i thought i could control but failed at regulatin. there was no balance at all. it was either this, that, or nothin. in my prior attempts at gettin sober i didnt share these personal problems with anybody. the self-trust issues i had were cast onto others. this last time in recovery, i knew i had to get it all out or go onto the bitter end. so, as hard as it was for me to tell these seemingly self-embarrassin things to another, my sponsor, i had to give the tell of what i had found in my personal inventory. the easier methods i had tried in prior attempts to get sober did not provide me with the growth of self-honesty or integrity. i was still angry within, and couldnt let myself live past the unhealthy feelins for myself i had nurtured all my life. even as i was selfish and self-centered, always only thinkin of my wants, there was never any true honest self-love. that initial 5th step inventory led to many more. from that 1st attempt of givin it all up, ive learned to accept me for me and have been able to grow and evolve into a healthy sense of self-love and have gained integrity. crazy how i had fooled myself for so long into thinkin i was a sincere person, when all i truly was, was a purveyor of self-deception. i get to have relationships with others today that are healthy and good because today, i can have a healthy and good relationship with myself. ive learned that to exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creatin myself endlessly. ive learned and lived into not havin or usin words to build myself up, but by livin and doin things that speak louder than words. today i am responsible for my efforts and the consequences that come from them if they harm others or myself. ive built integrity through behavior modification that has changed my thinkin. i can express myself without fear. i not only truly love myself, i like me. 1 day @ a time...