my daily reflections…

step 5s offerin of integrity was given to me practicin the WE of the program when i gave my tell to my sponsor as i let loose control of all the shit i had kept within for years with an idea that NOBODY would ever hear me speak em. it taught me that i alone could no longer keep these items and live a life that was clear minded, or hearted, alone, any longer. my dig through my past in my 4th step personal inventory had shown me that. however, if i was to let loose the terror and fear within with another, i would experience a freedom and love i had never known before my recovery began. it was an emphasis on the WE of this thing we do. it was a lesson that i alone cannot live successful without the help of others. that is, i was to bond with others, and together WE could live and find an inner peace that lasted as we individually went about our lives. that with another i could gain a sense of integrity that created a reality for me that i didnt have to live in fear of relationships, i didnt have to let ego and false pride allow me to give a show of completeness when in reality i was torn and shredded with emotional upset, tryin desperately to fake it through misery and uselessness, and could do it all alone. mannn, i didnt have to anymore, recovery was there for me, here and now. my HP provided me with people to live life alongside who shared a common bond, a common solution to our common problem. all i had to do was go through the process orientation with analysis, then make the choice to live with a mindset approach of movin forward with action and right motives guided by my HP. decision, choice, action, results. the loneliness i had been forced into through self-centered fear was shed. i no longer have to supplicate and be kept waitin, i can appropriate Gods strength in a good cause and get it at once. learnin to use the resources around me, other people, was new and scary, but because of an initial tell to another, ive been able to grow and evolve with others, instead of the struggle of doin it alone. i learned of the true powerlessness and unmanageability of my self-will. 1 day @ a time...