my daily reflections…

i was so wore out when i came into the rooms. i didnt know if the shit i was hearin in the rooms from others would work for me. i knew i couldnt go on with any degree of sanity and had made the decree to self that i was either gonna do this shit or i wasnt. as i fumbled around with what i was hearin and seein, fearin what i knew was just outside the door, knowin if i didnt try what i was bein offered, i would go right back out there onto the bitter end, i had to try. so, i sat in my chair and listened, most importantly, i tried and did. workin with my sponsor i learned through the process of personal moral inventory just how twisted and insane most of the shit i had done while out doin my dirt was. i watched what others were doin who were sober and had gotten over their demons. they were sayin some of the same emotions and behaviors i had done, but they werent livin in the shit anymore. they were happy, joyous, and free. from complete self-defeat and weakness, they had exchanged their old life for the new one in recovery. as i went over my 4th step and shared what i had learned with my sponsor in my 5th step, discussin the things i had done and what i was experiencin since comin into the rooms, i could see factual evidence on paper, how my life was gradually changin. the paradoxes of recovery and the promises were comin true for me. i was experiencin the regeneration i had heard others speak of. i was slowly tradin my old life as a condition for findin a new one. i was experiencin a new strength arisin out of the complete defeat and weakness i had when i came in. i could feel within a happiness, joy, and freedom that caused me concern, but as my sponsor consoled me, i began to surrender to it and accept it. it was excitin and new. it felt good. today i still get to experience that regeneration. as i continue to grow spiritually, i cannot go back to what i once was. so, i get to receive what life was meant to be. in the awareness of my failins, i am made whole. as i continue to change what i can, i see how the program of recovery is even more essential in my life. pocketin my pride, ive learned swallowin it will not get me drunk and fear expressed allows relief. 1 day @ a time...