today i understand that without a thorough review of what caused fear within, i would not have the sobriety or life of recovery im blessed with. i cannot tell ya’ll that my initial personal moral inventory was listed with every fear i had undergone while out doin my dirt, but i can say, as trust was built with myself and sponsor, i was able to learn what fears had affected me and was able to list em in subsequent inventorys. it was with learnin and understandin the fears i have and an honest listin of em, i get to live with a sense of freedom today. i needed to learn what “fears” meant as described by recovery. fears i learned werent what i had always thought. they werent scary movies or thoughts of monsters comin to get me. they were the emotions and feelins i felt when i felt that someone was figurin out who and what i was inside. they were the thought that someone would call me out for the things i had said and done. they were the secrets i had held within for decades that i didnt want anybody else to ever know. i had always tucked my fears deep within so my ego or pride wouldnt be touched or fucked with. recovery taught me how facin these and actually workin toward dealin with em one by one i could overcome em so they wouldnt continue to harm me or cause me to behave in ways that harmed others. recovery showed me how a courage to face my fears with an honest look at em, express what i had found, and how i used grace learned from the steps, i could free myself from my alcoholism. these self-centered fears were what kept me from bein what my HP and others in my life most important to me needed me to be. i was taught by those in recovery how i could use the eyes of faith to cause Gods power to manifest itself in the material world so i could, with his unconditional forgiveness and love, produce a change in my personality. when i came into the rooms i thought it meant not drinkin, but today i understand that fear affects all areas of my life: how i walk, the hugs i give, my acceptance of others, my willingness to trust and risk, and my optimism for a new day. today i get to live a life with a solution that helps me live with my fears and deal with em constructively. 1 day @ a time...
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