i had big time trust issues throughout my life. it seemed when ev i tried to trust another just as sure as im writin this now, they would go against me harmin me without regard to how i would take it or how i may feel about it. i never thought of the expectations i placed upon em. i never thought of how i mayve selfishly shown my ass and harmed em first. or how i mayve acted out right in front of em without regard to how they may interpret or take what my actions were. if another questioned me as i often questioned em without abandon, i would think how dare they! even when i would actively reach out for assistance, i would listen to what another had to say, then pick it apart and call em out fer their stupidity or ignorance, even when they knew what the fuck, they were talkin about. if i didnt think of it first, they were wrong. recovery showed these thoughts and how i used em with behaviors that led me further into doubt, apprehension, or uncertainty. i learned that with all this, i couldnt even trust myself. how was i to have faith or trust an entity i couldnt even see. as i worked the steps and learned how a spiritual experience could help me, i began to use the relationship i was formin with my HP to help guide me away from the self-centered fear of followin intuition without bakin it to death in the confines of my mind. i learned how i had used arrogance and ego to beat myself up as i whiplashed others. imagine this insecurity. how silly, how childish? it was time i started truly usin that good, sensed intuition to shut my big fat mouth and move forward as it was guidin me. awareness, acceptance, & action without knowin or thinkin i knew the outcome, good old-fashioned vulnerability, actually started makin me feel that inner voice within was adequate. i could listen to it blindly trustin it was my HP. i could be a co-worker with my HP. with a sort of faith in spiritual understandin i started givin myself an appreciation for the broken, or imperfect, parts of me and others. i could listen deeply and have faith that what i was understandin wasnt wrong. 1 day @ a time...
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corn fed not inbred michigan white trash...

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