i could not go into this process of acceptin what i had felt i had done to harm others with selfish motives. while out there doin my dirt, many times i didnt initially set out to harm another; i didnt know, or understand, i was actin selfishly or with self-centered motives, i was just livin life. i learned through the process of learnin self-awareness, how i had harmed others. i could not see, because i was blinded by my will, how the actions and thinkin i had, harmed those around me. it wasnt until their reaction later, i had any inclination that i had harmed em. it was just daily livin fer me. its how deeply rooted lettin go and lettin joel had become. i had lived my selfish wants for so fuckin long i couldnt ever feel or be aware i was doin these things. so, as i learned more about myself and the ways i would behave, the sense of guilt i had felt was immense. my sponsor went over the parts in the big book with me on makin amends, how they were not to selfishly serve myself only. i had to accept what ev consequences the ones i had hurt asked, no matter the expense to me financially, emotionally, materially, or spiritually. it was made clear to me that while out doin my dirt, it didnt matter to me how i hurt another as long as i got what i wanted, whether knowingly or unintentionally. it didnt matter. ive learned this clean sweep was an attempt to give of self, repair the damage i had done, as i had taken from others through words and actions throughout my active alcoholism. damn, what a bitch, learnin all this, and lettin it soak in! i reckon its why it is placed were it is in the process of the steps, this brotherly love. today, because of this soul searchin, humbly placin others ahead of myself, i get to accept the gift of an abundant spiritual life, livin the good life to the best of my ability. awareness brings me great joy and the knowledge that mindfulness practice helps me to live a healthier life. brotherly love means a life consistin of helpin others lived in my continuous sobriety & recovery. 1 day @ a time...
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corn fed not inbred michigan white trash...

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