my daily reflections…

back in the days of doin my dirt i can recollect tellin myself how i hadnt hurt my family because i always made sure the essential bills at home were paid and current. i can also recall tellin myself that i worked hard while at work, tryin to set the next person up for success. i remember thinkin that i was a stand-up guy, always willin to help another. recovery showed me, with these dives into the reality of the shit mentioned prior how even as i thought these things, and genuinely believed em, even as on the outside there was some truth to em, how each of these actions, were a fraud to neglect the behavior and thinkin behind em. it was an act to make the outside world see only my “stage character,” as the big book refers to it. with an honest look at these things, the help of my sponsor, and the willingness & humility id gained, i began to understand how these actions, though maybe truth done with good intention in my mind at the time, were just an attempt to gloss over the reality of what was really happenin in my life. they were attempts to allow myself to hide behind em so i couldnt see the alcoholism layin just underneath em. what a tactful way recovery has in uncoverin the truthful story underlyin my own lifelong convictions. usin what recovery was teachin me i was able to uncover, then begin to understand how my motives and actions back then were attempts to continue lyin to myself. how i did take money that should have been spent on my family and use it to continue to thrive in my alcoholism. how i may have thought i worked hard, the people i worked with were subjected to the attitude problems and egotism that the false sense of pride i held, maliciously made me better than them. how the words i used to make myself seem better than i actually was harmed those around me. how there was ALWAYS and ulterior motive to bein a “stand-up guy.” i only did it with the expectation that i would receive the “favor” in return when i wanted to call upon it. did i harm others while out doin my dirt without regard to their emotional, physical, financial, or spiritual well bein? yes, i did, my drinkin not only hurt me, but it also caused problems for others too. today ive been given a second chance to live forward past those behaviors, actions, and thinkin. ive been granted the opportunity of a second chance to be trustworthy, loyal, and honest. i get to pray for persistence in the face of my many defeats in overcomin em. i get to ask my HP for courage of self-forgiveness and forgiveness of others, to keep at it. life begins at the end of my comfort zone. what a gift. 1 day @ a time...