after sittin in the rooms for a while and havin started the process of the 12 spiritual principles, i began to understand, and learn from the past i had left behind. and i aint talkin bout the obvious shit; im talkin bout the reasons i had done the shit i had done. i didnt truly understand how selfishness or self-centeredness had caused me to react to situations that people who didnt suffer from alcoholism never experienced at the level i had. simply put, my treasured philosophy of self-sufficiency had to be cast aside. those morals, those esthetics, which i so dearly tried to live life by, which i never could, had to be put to rest. the process of the 12 steps helped me do just that, leave em behind for the days of doin my dirt to toil with. it was a matter of developin the willingness to accept the new facts of livin recovery, was teachin me. i had to sit, quietly, grittin my teeth, and look at what i had done, not makin excuses for my behavior or thinkin. i cannot honestly convey the emotions that flooded my head after surrenderin to and acceptin the shit i was learnin about myself. the only way i could learn to tolerate the anger, loneliness, and self-pity, i experienced, was through one of the most elegant and beautiful emotions humans can ever experience, love. how tough it was to look at myself in the mirror, havin learned how i had been, to turn anger, fear, and hate, into love. the rooms, the fellowship, was there for me so i could experience the love i needed within. it was ya’ll who showed me, through unconditional action, that it was ok for me to try to love myself in healthy methods that recovery taught. i learned to find rest in quiet communion with God; i was able to renew my strength & determination from that quietness. after learnin & understandin how, i got to become the person who knew why. i learned the trusted friends in recovery were not dangerous and learned to open myself to honest sharin. the misery i had lived the majority of my life before recovery, was transformed into love. choosin humility allows new growth each day and new ideals, with new attitudes, which bring me a new life filled with love. it was justice, for self, for others, and from, others. 1 day @ a time...
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