i was amazed, after havin been in the rooms for a year, and honestly before then, how much the world around me had changed. even though i still had anger, self-pity, hate, self-loathin, and loneliness keep hittin me, it had lessened the longer i practiced what i was learnin. my 9th step showed me that, with Gods help through another, how i could change shit that had happened back in the days of doin my dirt. this was somethin i could not do alone. i knew this because i tried, i always had put myself into situations i had no business tryin to control. in doin my amends, i didnt do it the way i wanted to, i did em the way they were suggested i do em. i didnt run right out and try to show my ass, like i wanted to, i slowed down and metered the process with my sponsors guidance. i had begun to learn that the smartest thing i could say was, “help me.” not only was it the smartest thing i could say, but it was also the smartest thing i could live into practice. it was important that i remind myself that i wasnt doin this on my own. i had to stop underestimatin the power of recovery and my own power to change myself; i couldnt overestimate my power to change myself or how the change i was livin would or could affect others either. most important i had to realize it wasnt i alone doin this amazin thing in my life. surely i played a significant role, but it was my HP doin for me what i could not do for myself. it was the last promise livin its transformative change within me. the shit storms i, alone, had created, were bein subdued by actions i was doin that i normally wouldnt do. and it was noticed by those around me. the more i practiced steps 4, 5, 6, & 7, the more steps 8 & 9, became doable. as i moved forward in the great venture of belief, my vision wasnt blocked by intellectual pride. an unknowin courage wasnt the absence of fear, but takin action in spite of the fear. fear and insecurity were let loose the more i trusted Him! i was doin shit that people were noticing because i had stopped the shitstorm which caused the shit storm without. and it wasnt because of me, no, i couldnt take the credit. 1 day @ a time...
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