it has been said that the promises always materialize when i work for them. part of that work for me is an honest desire to look within and dig out, as painful as it may be, the character that continues to keep me emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually sick. if i want to change who i am, i must change what i do. learnin how to balance my life is an ongoin task. sometimes things pop up out of nowhere that can tend to throw my balance off. ive learned in recovery that part of keepin balance is to continue to live, practice, and work the steps. a vital part of this is done when i inventory the things that continue to keep me sick. in that inventory i develop a list of people, places, and things that cause me resentment within. as i live through the process of takin inventorys, i get to see just how people, places, and things truly dominate my life. i get to explore how i am effected by my own irrational expectations and how my actions, behaviors, and thinkin over those views cause enough fear within me to harm others. ive learned that my intentions are never meant to harm others, but through over exaggerated ego and false pride, i develop within a persona that i want others to see and accept. when they retaliate against what i want them to perceive, i act in ways that hurt em in an attempt to preserve self. practicin honesty, courage, integrity, and humility has allowed me to see how the interest i have in self-centered and selfish wants causes me to lose interest in others and indulge even further into unbalanced self. this further causes me a fear of people keepin me secluded and drivin me further into self-pity and loneliness. the list is important! it is a start toward findin a proper balance because with it i am able to see the pollution within and the problems it causes me with the relationships i have with others. today i still must do these inventorys so that i dont fall back into patterns of behavior that do not allow me to continue to work toward change. brotherly love, a solution to the pollution within, is an action of gratitude toward others that helps me to remain balanced within. 1 day @ a time...
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