Okay so I'm new to all this, I literally have never even attempted to cooperate with any probationary officers EVER, however I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired... I've been an addict since I was 17, pain pills at first then at 27 turned to the devil himself methamphetamine..... Life has never been easy for me, it has been one extreme event to another repeatedly back to back it seems like since my Daddy passed away when I was 13 of drug overdose.... Now I'm 35, all the major people in my life has passed away pretty much besides a aunt and few siblings that I hardly ever talk to and distant family.... With that being said I turned to drugs to mask my hurt, pain, from deaths to being inappropriately touched as a child and not feeling like I belonged anywhere cause I was always the black sheep in my family even as a child ..... I've struggled with addiction of one kind or the other for very long time, caught my 1st felony in May of 2020 in major drug bust and that just made me upgrade to even more drugs ... I was selling, doing, partying like I was a millionaire and slowly dying for sure I see that now..... Okay so fast forward I was running from probation as I always did and the car tore up and in Nov 2021 the police was told I was sitting in broke down car and they came got me.... I caught yet another felony as well as felony probation violation.... They sentenced me to RSAT... I had every intention of faking to making it and just doing my time going home end of story.... However while I was locked up a total of 13 months I had my eye opener happen, and I started working on my relationship with God and learning who I was again..... In the midst of all that I've lost both my boys whom are now 14 and 16 and hardly any of family talked to me cause of my addiction.... Anywho get to RSAT Feb of 2022 and my eye opener came mid March.... I got my GED in oct 2022 and graduated the program..... I came home dec 1st of 2022 and within first week I had job got to see and spend time with BOTH of my boys again thank you Lord, and things were looking great...... Now it's been almost a month and a half and every single day has been a struggle, some harder than others, but I am feeling so alone again, old people places and things are looking good and I'm terrified..... I DO NOT WANNA RELAPSE, I've been reporting to probation, doing meetings as much as possible, and doing my extra drug classes drug test etc but I'm feeling the urge stronger each day.... I've not done a lot of time in prison but I truly don't want to give them anymore of my time and I do not want to die in overdose or something bad.... I wanna watch my boys be raised, have families of their own and just live a happy healthy life but yet these urges are horrible... The devil is calling and im so so scared my inner human flesh may answer his call and I don't want to fail, I want to recover and continue building my relationships with my boys and family!!! How can I over come or at least make it controllable, any advice on maybe something more I may be able to do..... I know its always gonna be a fight but what I'm saying is there any advice on what maybe could make this easier for me??? Also one more thing if u pray plz lift my name up in prayer thanks in advance and thanks for reading any positive comments will be truly appreciated!!
I'm new to sobriety been an addict since I was 17... Sick and tired of being sick and tired, ready for my new chapter to start and my kids and I to have the happiness we deserve