The human ego is such a strong thing. I gotta tell ya a bit about this for it took an awful lot to get me to this point in my life... Being a "victim" when I was too young to shout about it. HURT me as an adult human being. I could not get past it. Abused sexually at a young age, there was nothing I could have done. My mom told me it was all my fault and no one else listened to me. To be completely honest. My parents knew the only time I was ever telling the truth was when there were tears from my eyes. But even then when certain things occured in my life that didn't apply to them either. Always my fault. I have complete forgiveness for them both now for I understand why the things were done and how I got to this the now... But that addictive mind... The "entitled" I felt for wanting something better for "little me" for wanting justice for the one who could not speak for herself because no one believed her. As the song says 99 percent of my life I've been lied to. Even now... I am so close yet again to just jumping off that perspective bridge in my mind it's unreal and the alcohol in my body right at this very moment is the ONLY thing that is stopping me from jumping... Weird considering I was trying to kill myself with it for so many freaking years to no avail. Addicted to everything and everything in this life I am amazed I have survived this long. I've been trying for so long to just get this life over with and whatever will be will be. I never believed in god, I never believed in anything but this karma Ive lived with my whole life. This IS the little mind. I can see this clearly now... It's not the things that I tried to drownd the unhappy with. It IS the Unhappy that is killing me. I had a spiritual awakening in AA and started to radiate light. People have told me they saw me, my whole life. But when I flushed the methdone at the end of last year... People were ON me like a fly on shit. OMG. so over whelming and then poof! Everyone is gone fake people who don't know what love is, remain. My best friend was my husband. and living here with my daughter and her son now has become unbearable to me (for he would rather hide his shit and not talk at all to me.) I can't handle living here anymore and this whole thing is about to come to a head. I tried the love thing, the "all are one" thing. I tried, I did. I saw my old self in him, had some sympathy but still couldn't handle being alone and being with someone else....and at this point.... I just won't continue to do it or try anymore. I received an upload of spiritual shit the day before yesterday and I understand the "illusion" now. Male/Female. Good/Bad. Light/Dark. Yin Yang ... However you want to slice it. My kids/grandkids this life I have and have been lied to as to what it really is... It means nothing, none of it means anything except to show me that this is how it is and in the bigger picture... Man breadwinner and woman childcare. It's all been for nothing but holding me back from doing what I have to do in THIS life and I AM strong.... but Im having trouble walking away from the kids....Im fucking toast because none of it is real and I have been pulled in three different directions now for more than six months. If death has no sting and we all get incarnated over and over and over. there is no end to to this shit... I in my current frame of mind, should be able to walk away from all of it... I have to say.... I have nothing else and so I will die here on my own with them... He has to leave here. I won't fight. I don't want anything from him other than my freedom back from that FREAKING L Word which means as much to him as it does to me/ It's just a word and without the feeling it is meaningless. (song... Turning out part 2 by a band called AJR) so painful to say but managed to say it to him outloud. He agrees he feels as I do. My grandson loves him so, they share a soul ya know. Like he is my dad and Ty is my mom and they are together watching me now figuring out this big puzzle within me along with god which is also I guess inside me and has been for my whole life. (fall from "grace" according to the powers that be anyway) Addicted to The Little Mind... The ego (in my case my blood family, my kids and grandkids ) How we think things should go in our lives is just that, meaningless and for nothing but to keep us or me rather from doing what I am supposed to do for everyone...not just my kids souls but for everyone entangled with me on the planet of souls... who need relief and that is everyone. I have had enough just enough. Love is a four letter word, created by man AS WAS GOD. I AM so ashamed of my higher self.. I AM so ashamed of who or what I AM. I will not rise. I will continue to fall and take all the information with me as well as feed it into the field for my grandkids to continue the illusion and await my arrival back to this planet. I was given a choice in what I wanted to do... Whether I wanted to reincarnate as I have so many times (I am SO sorry for all of those who are entangled with me.) or to be etheric and in the field of my soul family and I have chosen to be with them. Hopefully my choice will be honored by the rest of my soul family who are not nice entities and do nothing but make money off of other people for their own gain. Im so sorry. I Miss You ALL. Blessed is the Human BEing. Love for the self. That is what it is all about. Not male not female not good or bad not what we think as humans until we are "outside" the box of belief can it be understood what has been done, what I have done. I AM SO SORRY. For we make money off your addictions, and we make money off of your recovery as well. All the meds to keep us in fear of who we are and how it is supposed to be here on earth. The family unit is also part of the old energy... More kids more money the powers that be make... The therapy from being unhappy in these situations... They make money off that too. The issue with woman being the second gender is all a bunch of crap. NONE OF that is real. They"... whomever they are... ping pong ball one off the other to keep this ALL going over and over and over generation after generation.... There is only one gender... it's about being happy with oneself. not kids or marriage or any of that other crap the world makes MONEY off of. None of it is real. it's ALL an illusion. OMG if you knew what I now know... Through the tears you would say PLEASE Please! forgive yourselves for all that has been done to you and by you. The only one any of that matters to in the end IS us and it is time to let all of that go. I let all of it go, with my life

I AM no one, and I AM everyone... I'm so sorry.

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