The World Won't Stop

Today was a very hard day for me. I spoke to God all morning until I fell back asleep. Had probably 10 cigarettes before noon. The depression and will to cry very present. I had to search for a therapist today, and it took me aware from my AA meetings, that I had been clinging on to the previous day. As I began to log in the distractions of the world became very prevalent. My boyfriend calling to talk about the nightmare we just went through. My toxic friends and family desperate to get a hold of me. The reminder that I lost my job, and I am very behind. My son wanted to use the car, but I have no insurance, I wrecked it more while relapsing, and he doesn't have his permit. Not to mention I'm afraid he'll be immature as all 17 yr olds are and use the car to drive his friends around, or smoke weed. I asked him to stop smoking weed in front of me. An when my boyfriend comes home he has my mail full of debt, the room needs cleaning, the dishes need done. We are renovating a disgusting old house with pee soaked carpet and no overhead lights, so it's dark and dingy. The dishes piled up after my relapse episode where I ran off for days on end. Something I regret deeply. So here I am. Sober, in pain, haven't slept well, mind racing, sweat pouring off me while I try to clean what I can. I feel good I was able to get out of bed today, but it wasn't all for me. I did not brush my teeth or shower. Just desperately tried to seek help, stay away from anyone's negativity. Smoked feverishly. Today I am definitely seeing that the world doesn't stop because I am sick. It won't stop because I have this disease. So I jumped on my ITR and began to write this blog. Setting a plan. The meeting room wasn't working so I just did this. Next I'll hopefully be able to enjoy my husband cooking and us talking together. May get a shower. The night scares me. Boredom is something else I drink to, but tonight I plan to talk to God. Even the shower scares me. Any inkling I may be feeling better and the cravings will get stronger, and If I slip even once I lose my son, my husband. The mind is so sick today, but the world doesn't stop.