October 26, 2011

Crossroads 4

by Ronnie • Addiction, Drugs, Recovery • Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

I wrote this after I had relapsed and was once again going through a cold-turkey heroin detox. I wanted so badly to get back to that place I once was and that place was sobriety….

CROSSROADS

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We all have choices on which paths to take in life. There are hard times and there are easy times. I believe no matter which paths we choose this is the case. Although, if we choose the right paths, we will have a lot less of the harder times. I chose a path which led me to a life of drugs, crimes and lies. A path which led to my self-destruction, my self-pity and my selfish attitude. I told lie after lie, hurt person after person and would steal from my own family if I knew I could use it to get high.

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What a miserable life, if you can even call it living that is. I thought I was ok, living a dream, taking the easy way out. I thought everything was under control. Numb, complete numbness is all I felt. No feelings of shame, guilt nothing whatsoever. Euphoria is what we addicts like to call it. But, really is it? That’s a question I ask myself and as I continue to grow in sobriety, my answer continually changes. It started with a simple yes–euphoria–what a great way to explain that rush I got every time I stuck that needle in my arm and plunged that heroin straight to my heart. I think at first, it is the best feeling in the world. It makes me impervious to anyone or anything. I am on top of the world and I can do anything I want. Then, all of the sudden it wears off, reality kicks in nothing has changed and nothing was accomplished. My mind is going crazy. Where can I get money, who can I lie to or who can I steal from to go get high? These are a few of the many thoughts running through an addict’s head long before the buzz wears off.

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It’s a chase, a hunt, an obsession that after you cross over that line you have no control over it at all. It takes you places you never thought or would ever want to think of going to. It makes you do stuff no-one in their right mind would ever dream of doing.

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Is that really a life? Constantly thinking about how your going to get your next fix. Whether your high or not, your mind is continually circling all of these racing thoughts in who you can manipulate today to get what you need. Which member of my family can I use their love for me as a tool to get high. I don’t want to live this way, I don’t have to live this way, and I won’t live this way anymore. I have to take control back, my disease has hurt me enough. My addiction has pushed me into the pits of hell and now I have to find a way back. I don’t want to be in pain anymore, I don’t want to put my loved ones through pain anymore and most of all I don’t want to live in the pits of hell anymore. That is exactly where I am living when I am in the center of my addiction, when I let my disease take control again.

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There is only one absolute requirement and that’s is the willingness, the want to stay sober. I have that willingness, that want. Now what am I going to do about it? The decision is mine, I can choose any path that I want. When choosing though, I ask myself, which path leads to happiness? Which leads to living and not dying? Which leads to a productive lifestyle? These are just a few of the never-ending questions that enter into my ever-changing mind. The choice should be easy, should be clear and shouldn’t take any time at all. But, you see, I have this disease that wants to be fed, that urges to be indulged. It alters my thinking, it changes my mind at the flip of a switch. My disease snatches me up and says “the easy way out is to go get high.” It says “you will never beat me”. Now, see, here I am standing at a crossroads asking myself which way do I go. Do I continue to take the easy way out and let this thing kill me or do I want to take the path that will lead to unforeseen futures and endless possibilities.

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Am I strong enough to overpower this disease? Maybe not alone, but with a higher power’s help and your help, you bet I am. That’s the great thing about it all, I don’t have to do it alone. If I choose the “easy way out” and let this disease win, I am all alone in my own miserable little world. Now, on the other hand, I can choose that path that requires a little work, a little effort and a whole lot of changes. Now on this path, I have you, I have a higher power and I have help. You would think this was the easier path wouldn’t you? I don’t have an answer for that right now, but one day I will. My disease tells me to just go get high, that will fix everything, that will make it all better.

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Now, here I am standing at that crossroads to make that choice again. I can’t allow myself to give into my disease. I can’t feed my addiction with unnecessary thoughts that lead down a one way path back to hell, and sooner than later to death.

By: Ronnie Colvin Jr