In 4 days I will be clean and sober for 9 months. I never thought I could get a day sober much less this long. And it is absolutely mind blowing to me how much my life has changed. I am doing things I never imagined I would do in my life, especially after losing it all 9 months ago.
I was fortunate in that I had something a lot of people in my situation don’t have – a loving supportive family. Without that I can say with 99% certainty, I would not have made it through recovery and would still be using and either in jail or dead. My family may not understand everything about addiction and recovery but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that they accept me and stand behind me.
The recovery community is also amazing. Both in the rooms and online, the people that share and/or have shared my struggle through addiction and alcoholism are open and honest. In fact some of the most honest people I have ever met are ones in recovery. Which makes sense thinking about it because why wouldn’t we be? When you wake up with pissed pants or on the streets or not even knowing where you are, all you have left is honesty after years of degradation. I promise you I couldn’t make up a lie crazier than the truth I lived.
So here I am at 9 months, a published writer, a featured artist for various publications, writing music again, running my online store that sells merchandise made/designed by me and most importantly a present and accountable father. I have made friends all over the globe. I am learning more and more each day how to be a productive functioning part of society.
I could have never have done any of those while in the midst of addiction. All your time and energy are consumed by it. Eventually devouring your creativity and inevitably if you continue feeding it, it will completely destroy you.
I spent almost 20 years thinking I needed a savior. Someone stronger than me to pull me out of the darkness. To take my hand and lift me up.
But I was wrong.
The only savior I needed – the only savior that could actually save me – was me.
I don’t need a savior, I need a believer. I need someone to believe I am not a junky. I am not completely broken. I am not a wasted life.
We all need believers.
And that’s what we are to each other – believers.