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You know that moment early in the morning when you first start to wake up and you don’t “know” anything? And then after a second or so, memories and awareness start to trickle back in.

Incapacitating Fear

They all come back. Fears about money, heartache over relationships in various stages of dying and decomposition, feeling unloved and even worse-unlovable, wondering,  “Does anyone truly love me or even see me?

Insecurities, failures, fears, the past, dread of the future, problems with children, problems that don’t have any easy or right answers, feeling inadequate less-than never-a-part-of disconnected invisible ignored. I really HATE that moment.

Suddenly, in the dark, I’m fully awake and am keenly aware of all the monsters waiting for me right outside my bedroom door. Oh boy, I really hate that. Then, the next moment is what (usually) lifts me out of bed and gently pushes me out of my room.

That’s the moment when I remember God is in control and mindful of all the little things that go “bump” and scare me in life. But this morning…oh this morning was so hard. I decided to turn back over and leave those monsters out there scratching at my door. I hate that I did that.

Now they think that they just may have a chance to get into my room and into my head and trickle down my spine and freeze my heart and my will to the point of immobilization. And they’re right…if I don’t get up and move here soon, I am going to be stuck all day; held hostage by the shadowy figures that only I can see. And then tomorrow will only be worse….(shudder!).

Okay, feet on the floor now. The shower is about 15 feet away and if I just….get. up. now dammit….maybe I can run really fast past the monsters and get dressed so I can get out that front door….one….two…three……go.

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