My heart is aching a little today. I’m also angry and frustrated though I can’t blame anyone but myself. I know better and yet there is still some deeply co-dependent part of me that wants to fix and control. I want to stop my own pain by having other people stop hurting themselves because I love them? Yes I think that’s correct. I’ll be okay if you’re okay. It never achieves anything though. Breaking up with friends is horrible, but I’ve had to do it this week for my own sanity.
When love is not love…..
it’s manipulation. In this friendship, I get confused about who was trying to manipulate who and why I continued this weird, repetitive connection with this person. I understand why it started. We lost a mutual friend to suicide twenty years ago. I recognized my own pain in Garry. While we knew each other in passing, our loss drew us together like two ill-adjusted magnets. Two deeply traumatized addicts who didn’t even know they were addicts collided and chaos ensued. Neither of us, despite many long conversations, ever figured out how to define our relationship. We never dated, but did our “friendship” cross the line? Of course it did. During those deep conversational moments when emotions are high and we found comfort in the other understanding, we ended up in bed. We wouldn’t see or hear from each other for months and at one point years, and then bam. We’d collide again and off we would go on our merry dance.
Time to break up for good this time
I’ve recovered from addiction, he has not. He’s been in my life again for about two years, doing the same things he’s always been doing. He’s had bouts of sobriety then crumbles after a few weeks and constantly looks for excuses to get drunk and high. I’ve spent long hours trying to save him, get him help, encourage, and relate all to no avail. He doesn’t want to get clean, loves his lifestyle and nobody is going to change that. Yes, he will cry about his pain and claims he wants to stop, but I’ve discovered those are manipulative words to keep me around. I can’t lie to myself about his intentions anymore because I’ve done years of deep work on myself. Finally, I am tired of the pain that this relationship causes me and though my heart hurts today, I have no desire to call him. I hurt for his desperate heart yet I know only he can change that.
I don’t even think we really know who the other is if we are both not drunk all the time. What are we without chaos? We used to play out our traumatic pasts together, I guess as a form of subconscious healing. There was comfort and familiarity in that for both of us. The sad part is, that when he is clean and sober he is incredible. He is intelligent, confident and loving. But you can’t wait around for a person’s potential to appear every now and then. I’ve got to make sure I’m looking after my own. The truth that I’ve tried to avoid about Garry and me is that we were probably addicted to each other and love really didn’t come into it. I really don’t know and it really doesn’t matter now. I hope some day he finds his peace, but it’s going to have to be on his own.