Choose freedom. How did I come to that? Why did I choose that as a name for a blog? As a title for what the thoughts are that go through my mind. It’s because a moment of freedom creates so much clarity, confidence & inspiration inside ourselves. This isn’t meant to be professional. Honestly, it’s raw. This is my experience and mine only. I want to change perception. I want to change families beliefs on addiction. I want to change the world. Period.
So I departed from this company, and when I did, some words that were thrown around pierced my character and crushed me to the core. I wanted to die. I was a walking billboard for “let’s change the world.” I wasn’t in a church basement, or a room talking about how we end the stigma. I fucking wear my recovery like the shirt on my back. It got me thinking, to how this whole journey started. Where was the one day where the mental shift started? Where did I, William Marotta, become unchained? I remember it perfectly thinking back. Everything so vividly and clear. It was the day that would begin changing my entire life.
I was going out to Arizona to visit my sister and some of my family for thanksgiving. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me how I would live for five days around family. More importantly, how could I live for 5 days without heroin? That seemed impossible. I had just come off working a pretty big job and had some money. Was I really going to try and sneak heroin onto a plane? No, I wasn’t. I was smart back then. Instead I snuck 30 oxys through Newark airport. 30 oxys. 5 days. I was in the clear, right?
When I landed in Arizona after a flight that seemed like it took for ever, I was down to 18. I was already starting to panic. My tolerance was sky high. I was using about a bundle of heroin a day, what did I expect? Oh yeah. It’s important to note, during all of this I was selected in the final 7 of 3000 applicants for a position with the Arizona Diamondbacks. I was going to make it big time. Strung out on dope. If you’re a family member reading this for the first time, yes, it was heroin.
Anyway, that interview wasn’t for three days. I could get clean and get through withdrawals a total of ZERO TIMES times by then. I justified though in my mind, so I was alright. I flew through those remaining 18. The good news though, the day before my interview we needed to go to LA to the fashion district to pick some things up for my mom and her boutique. FINALLY. THE INFAMOUS SKID ROW.
This is where any junkie can grab a balloon of heroin as long as they are coherent enough to reach in their pocket and pull out eight bucks. So my mom and family are walking around the fashion district and I hit a home run and find a homeless dude with 3 balloons. I quickly take one balloon and flip it for some suboxone because I knew I couldn’t be high or withdraw when I go for this interview.
One other thing happened that day other than me scoring some good dope. I stole 30 dollars from my moms boutique. THIRTY DOLLARS. my mom knew immediately. Moms always do. I went to my interview, by the way was offered the job but was locked away in a treatment center so lost that possibility, and my mom addressed the issue when I was done. I admitted to everything immediately and found help.
Here’s the part I want to address in all of this. I broke the law, stole from family, bought heroin out of a homeless dudes mouth, and acknowledged i had a problem. THAT WAS NOT THE END. I didn’t stop there. Talk to the majority of people who are now clean and find out why they stopped. If they are truthful, the answer is because THEY RAN OUT.
I flew back to New Jersey and immediately got help, while I still had 10 oxys in my apartment and someone who owed me 800 dollars. I don’t believe that people need tough love or need to reach an incredibly low bottom. I just think it just needs to be acknowledged that its their own bottom. Someone will find their way down much faster once all the correct chords begin to be pulled.
I was talking to a mom of an addict the other night and this topic came up. Just so we are clear, my mom isn’t some miracle worker where she can get a son into recovery on the first shot. She’s found me completely incoherent, fought with me and pretended to believe my lies from the hundreds of failed drug tests. She just learned faster which doors to shut. Eventually she shut the right one and I had ran out of all resources for good.
Looking back, I had stolen way more than thirty dollars in my career as a drug addict & criminal. It wasn’t time number 800 telling my mom I’d get help. Honestly, it wasn’t even that I was out of drugs, cause I wasn’t at that moment. I watched another human being throw her hands up after closing every door possible and asking God for help. At that moment, every door was closed, I asked God for help and began a very short stint of not believing this was a disease before completely surrendering.
My personal journey won’t ever be a complete match to someone else’s. What it will provide though is hope. I can walk into any situation and understand that God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. God willing, I’m a few 24 hours away from celebrating 30 months clean & sober. Everyone has a milestone in their mind. 30 was my first.
I’ve been through hell and back, I’ve been inside detoxes, treatment centers, been arrested a few times, I’ve seen therapists, I’ve been inside the rooms of AA & NA, I’ve been to church, I’ve been alone & in groups of people. I’ve lost enemies, friends & family. I’ve hurt people clean & sober worse than I’ve hurt people when I was getting high.
I’ve let people down and gotten incredibly hurt. I’ve been betrayed and disrespected. I have family members I might never speak to again and people I once hated that I now love. I’ve lied, cheated and stole for my own personal gain without the consideration of others. Ive obsessed over getting high & contemplated going back out.
I’m still standing with help from so many others. A chain is only as strongest as its weakest link and my weakest link will always understand that the next time I go out to drink or get high will be my last. I hope that this can reach someone who needs to read this. I hope that people can continue to find hope in the things that I say. Today I choose freedom. Will you?