…..too damn much sometimes.
I don’t want to accept facts from my past or indeed my present. It breaks my heart and makes all of my demons get excited about what may come next.
Feelings may not be facts, but it’s a damn fact that I feel deeply. Past hurts trigger my “I’m not good enough” demon who languishes in the pleasure of my self-harm. The alcohol, the drugs, the harmful relationships, the endless self berating.
Hurts from my present are the same as those from my past and make me anxious, irritable and sometimes aggressive. My past is my present and vice versa.
I don’t want to accept.
I don’t want to feel.
But what is the alternative?
All answers welcome.
I have to accept a lot of things, especially in my career field (I am a merchant seaman) I have to show courage too. Sometimes my catches up with me but I have learned to let it go and use God to help me. I still run into problems, but still take it one day at a time.
I have been “in the rooms” for a a long time, and know now that it took me a long time to heat from my past, but it happened through getting dirt honest with a sponsor and working the steps and seeing it all on paper. Yes, the first round, it was painful. I felt shame and remorse. But I finally stopped running from my feelings. I didn’t see the advantages at first, but over the years, I have gained freedom from it all. I haver finally forgiven “myself”!! I had to stop running, using the fellowship, even service, and excessive business. I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin and dreaded coming home alone each day. At first, it was daily meetings, probably for 5 to 6 years, but sadness began to seep through the surface that I had unknowingly created. I had to get busy and go deeper with the steps. All I can say if live in today, one day at a time, and give time and step work a chance. You won’t regret it. Best of luck.