Life is certainly a mystery to me still. Despite the highs and lows of an eventful life and many life experiences, I cannot say I’ve learned from all of them. Sometimes the same behaviour was repeated many times before I got it! Some lessons have yet to be imbedded in my heart and mind. Many mistakes incurred and moving on without regrets is a bit of a challenge.
The Next Generation
All of a sudden I have a twenty year old son and a sixteen year old daughter (it’s her birthday today). How did that happen? We’ve been through a lot the three of us. We are a happy household even though we each have our own inner demons to challenge. Yet the struggle to get where we are at today has bonded us in a healthy way. I watch them make great decisions for themselves and their future. Struggle has taught them how to navigate the world from a place of informed contemplation rather than impulse and recklessness. Unlike me. Impulse, misinformation and misunderstanding taught me to seek instant gratification rather than informed choice. I regret that for myself, yet my mistakes have been a lesson for my own children. So maybe mistakes are a blessing in disguise after all?
Our New Family Life
I’m to be married in August. A few years ago I’d sworn off relationships. Having married in my early twenties, having both my children and then a divorce just seven years later, we were left broken and destitute. Love is one of those lessons I have yet to master. Even in my late forty’s I’m not sure I fully understand romantic love yet, but I know I’m not alone in that. I do know though, that what my future husband has brought to our lives is beyond anything we have experienced before. Our lives have improved endlessly because of him. I have experienced joy, fidelity, respect and laughter like never before in my life. He is mine and I am his. When he looks at me I could catch on fire. My children adore him and trust him and we have become family. I have many regrets about past relationships and the consequences for my children. Most of my adult life I was in mourning because of the abandonment of some man. This time though I know I can survive alone. I do not need him but I certainly want him.
Moving On Without Regrets
It’s probably not possible for me. Perhaps some day. I do have an understanding that not letting go of your regrets can perpetuate a victim mentality. I need to work on that. Victim was once an identity for me. One which allowed me to mess up my life without being responsible for my actions. Lightbulb moment right there. Maybe I’ll be so blissfully happy at some point that my past will cease to matter. Until that day, I will always feel I could have done better. Be better. Do better. Shame clings to my heart like ice in mid winter and holds me back from true freedom. Yet I feel bright and hopeful for our future together in our cottage behind the trees. We’ve worked hard to get to where we’re at. The gods have blessed us. There is much to celebrate and be grateful for. For now my regrets are packed carefully in a corner of my soul and will continue to travel through life with me.