I can’t believe it’s only been twenty-four hours since I’ve seen you and felt your presence. You usually don’t show your face during the day. Although you do show up from time to time. That’s usually when I get overwhelmed, frazzled and unfocused. You just seem to creep up on me and I get scared when that happens.
We have a long history together, stemming from adolescence. I know you don’t like being hidden but I have to force you out so I can take care of the girls. You know that. Sometimes you refuse to leave and I have to push you out the door. Even if I let you in, a cup of chamomile tea doesn’t make you happy. Does it? Nor does practicing deep breaths and counting to ten.
You don’t like the mundane. Seems like the days you don’t come for a visit, you show up after bedtime and want to stay all night. Many nights overstaying your welcome. What can I do though? I could force you back out with the help of a friend but that option leaves me so much more exhausted.
You see, I get very little time to myself so when the girls go to bed I like having me time. Won’t you go away for more than one day or night? No, I don’t like constantly feeling like someone is standing over my shoulder while I’m watching TV. How come, when I’m doing the dishes you like to come up and terrify me? Offering the most insane ideas of how I won’t be here to do dishes after my kids go to bed because I have undiagnosed cancer. Is that necessary? I don’t think so.
The cancer is you. You follow me everywhere I go. You must think that when my husband is working overnight that I need some company. I don’t! I’m better without you. I don’t need you here to nervously move my feet and legs when I’m trying to relax. I really don’t like how you make me think about how broken I am. That my life’s circumstance growing up have left me to become a woman that is less than in everyone else’s eyes. Telling me I’ll never truly find who I am and that I’m not too par.