Today is my daughter’s 28th Birthday. At 8:19pm on this day, I was blessed with a beautiful little girl ~ I am worried about, hurting for, angry at & disappointed in her choices. But like my mother, I got lost along the way & my daughter has gotten lost along the way! I didn’t have my mother in my or my daughter’s lives & now she is gone from this Earth. As a recovering alcoholic, I feel I am doing for my daughter what my alcoholic mother couldn’t do for me, and what my alcoholic daughter can’t do for herself today ~ taking care of her daughter, my precious granddaughter! I am hoping that at least part of the “cycle” is being broken by my actions.
I don’t have unrealistic expectations of my daughter now ~ those feelings are gone & it feels like there’s a bit of hope that has been chipped away at for all these years, with very little left, but I can make today & each day going forward hopeful for me, my husband & our granddaughter.
Because of my recovery today, I have learned through the years to handle my heartbreak better. It’s a terrible thing for any parent to begin to shake when the phone rings & it’s your adult child on the other end of the line or driving down the road & looking at each & every person walking & at bus stops, just to catch a glimpse of her, to know that she is ok & being scared every day that a knock on the door by the county coroner telling me that my daughter is dead. In a way, not having contact with her is peaceful. I don’t have to deal with her abusiveness. She no longer has her step-dad & I to use as her punching bags. You need both sides to make it work! This time my daughter closed the door, but what she doesn’t realize is that we locked it on our end. I know how she thinks & in her mind when she feels she has punished her step-dad & I enough she may call and all will be forgotten. After all these years of being abused, we can’t allow ourselves to open the lock & walk through that door again. That door once opened will only gives us pain & sorrow. We need to take care of ourselves & give our efforts to enjoying this last stage of our lives. We need to be kind to ourselves. She has to take her own journey & make her own choices in her own life.
Thank God for this site, where I can open my heart & soul, vent & get support from those who are walking in the same pair of shoes. No matter how hard we tried we were not successful. Every day, I wish daughter well. It is the most and only thing I can do. As I’ve said so many times before, we must move forward in our lives.
I sent this out into the Universe today, I didn’t know what else to say ~ “I hope you have a great day. I wish you all the birthday happiness there is in the World.” Mom