Abandonment Issues – A formula for isolation

I would like to mention that I feel ACA does a very good job at helping people identify and heal from abandonment traumas. The Laundry Lists and other readings are very revealing about the behaviors of people with abandonment traumas. I have trouble memorizing things, so I will not be quoting them in any way. This post is about my behaviors, how I keep setting myself up for abandonment and how strange it is to have a deep longing to be saved, yet a deeper desire for isolation. First I would like to point out that people with abandonment trauma also have control issues. In the absence of an obvious solution to our suffering, people tend to think. All of our thinking about things outside of our control is the control issue, because there is no sense in thinking about something we cannot control. Also, we add to our traumas as we think about getting more than we can have. Who do we want it from? Everyone. People with abandonment issues tend to be hypersensitive to life and are always watching for the next bad thing. Looking for the flaws in life sends our minds into the bargaining stage of grieving, non acceptance and what is essentially hell on earth, the world of judgment. The whole time we are being demanding of the people around us, we are really shaming ourselves for the qualities we lack in attracting the things we want into our lives. The entire time, the abandonment trauma is in complete control of our thinking and behaviors as it propagates itself. Crippled by shame, people with abandonment issues long for acceptance and reparenting, yet abandon ourselves often with lack of self-care often leaving us attracting a life of lower vibration than we desire. With an excuse, we can settle for or even fall backwards into older behaviors. "It's okay, don't worry about me, I will be fine", I always imagine Eeyore the depressed donkey from Winnie the Pooh who never gets his needs met, but he sure is passive aggressive. Ultimately, we are lazy about self-care and want other people to pamper us like we pamper others, yet refuse it when it is offered. What is worse is when it is not offered, then we chase after it just like we have before. Codependents rarely marry each other and when they do, there are terrible boundary and control issues as they both enmesh and paint their traumas on each other. The stronger of the two may end up taking the leader of the relationship role and that is something they can both resent. So, where is the solution. Frankly, I do not know. I know what is working for me and I can tell who supports me, because they let me do my thing. People who feel sorry for me are painting me with their own traumas. I am peacefully giving into the isolation and taking time to reparent myself. I know I have a sick need to be alone, I have been attacking people's character for years. No one likes to be judged and the more I do it, the more I find myself alone. Yet, as I do this something new emerges. First, I make a lot of mistakes and experience a lot of harm. I learn something from every loss I suffer. Second, I figure out who is really important to me after I let them go. If we were ever meant to be fellow travelers of life, they will return to find a healthier version of me. For couples dealing with abandonment issues now, I would like to offer one strong suggestion. Get out of each other's business. Stop watching your partner's every move, stop asking them what is wrong, stop paying attention to them unless you need to do something together. The best way to get abandoned is to keep talking about each other's business, it will absolutely ruin any relationship. Also, if you feel triggered by your partner, make a mental note instantly and decide what exactly is pissing you off. Write down the exact words, what are they being that is so upsetting to you then find it within yourself how you are being exactly that yourself. If someone's lie has hurt you, what was the lie you were telling yourself? Did you expect someone to behave more like you? Did you think they should be something that they are not? Finally, how can you give yourself what you really wanted in that situation, how can you meet your own needs without them. True love has no longing or desire, it is peaceful and expects nothing of others. When we are balanced (and I am not... but when we are) nothing outside of us can disturb our peace. Rev. Jeff Rounds for Mixed Recovery, Inc.