Page 73: They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; They only thought they had humbled themselves.
Hey..Nothing like that bullet proof feeling after you wrap up your thorough 5th Step. If you follow the specific directions in the Big Book the work can be extensive. Many notebooks full and a 40 hour 5th more or less. That whole thoroughness and honesty thing. We went back through every dark cranny of the past? We got it all down on paper. Yeah, it can get long.
I think the one big thing I myself missed? Or lets say some of the wording I just wasn't ready to see? Was this fearless and thorough 4th and my 5th was giving me a "rough idea" what the trouble is with me. Those two words, rough idea. I kinda felt totally fixed, rough idea didn't seem to cover it or what I expected it to be..
I drank and drugged like a pig. That about covered it sure. Was there more? I couldn't be sure. The work I did originally with my God, the Book and a Book sponsor was way more than anything I had ever attempted. I got the basics I guess? My life changed radically almost overnight. Sure there's a bazillion shortcomings but I could see that all roads lead to selfishness and fear. That's where my focus needs to be. The ACOA meeting I found brought camaraderie and fellowship. I could go deeper and speak freely there. Most of my Big Book 12 Step friends seemed to shy away. If it wasn't in the Book they didn't want to hear it. Oddly it was in the Book I just needed to look for it. It was all mostly in the Book, if not there then on the suggested Spiritual Path.
There were flaws in my character. As if disconnected. My Spirit was frayed if not all together broken. Simple coping skills were not there. Naturally I was a survivor, alive each day living in my head through what I believed others thought. Worshipping people for my manic self esteem. They love me! No they hate me. Why do they hate me, I don't know.. A perfect candidate for self medicating with anything that could shut my self destructing mind off. Hard booze and cheap heroin offered some relief so, the committee was adjourned for sometimes a whole day or at least the night into the early hours. I couldn't imagine living with myself without my booze and drugs. They were giving me the will to live..
I became a Drunk until I became a Junkie, then a Drunk again. Later on a Junkie. Everything depended on my connections. If I was working making money I was in the bar every night till closing. If I was lucky and picked up a dope dealer or better yet a distributer? I had my credit. Overdosing constantly on the alcohol and opiates. One's too many and twenty isn't enough day after day, year after year, wife after wife, kids after kids.... Eventually I was back where I had started really. Empty, alone. Friendless, unable to trust anyone. Yep..I was 29 going on 8. In the end I kept to myself.
GUILT AND SHAME
It became clear something was terribly wrong with my head. I was constantly busting myself for things I had done. Sometimes just the thought of me being there was enough to make it the worst. Add me to any memory and it became distorted and sick. Ugh.. That sick let me just die feeling, numb face, skin crawling, when you think someone may have observed you in such a state 10 even 20 years ago..Hadn't I come to terms with this years ago? The memory comes and literally takes your breath away because well? Someone did see you. You did! You realize you saw yourself. You are ashamed. You were there and hate yourself. You view your past in disbelief, this couldn't have been you. You're not only a drunk but also you're a liar, backstabber, cheat, thief and yes, some kind of sex freak. You are freakin selfish to the extreme. Small wonder you will do anything to get away from yourself.
MAKING AMENDS TO MYSELF
I was floating around Step 10 looking for answers. I had done a thorough 4th Step years before. I knew how to look at myself, take a daily inventory. But what was I missing? Well? For one thing all my selfish conduct from resentments to self seeking behavior in my 4th included other people. It does suggest the inventory was ours but I never looked that hard at myself alone. I always looked at how my conduct harmed others. But it was killing me. And me alone. I needed to look at the bigger picture.
In the sex conduct section of my 4th it said where were we selfish or where did we arouse jealousy? I looked at myself sure, where did I arouse jealousy in others. But never addressed why I'd be driving along minding my own business and suddenly be overcome with jealousy and fear. I didn't need other people to be jealous no. I would go there all by myself! What? Am I just that insecure? At any given moment everybody's everything and I'm not? That's not "low" self esteem that's "no" self esteem. You got to really hate yourself, you got to really be ashamed to drop that low that quick. Holy crap! I really hated myself..But why? What did I ever do that was so bad? I didn't know.
HOUSE OF MIRRORS
It seems as if I see myself totally different than others see me. They think I'm handsome? I think I'm ugly. They say I'm smart? I think I'm stupid. What I did see is that I am all things to all people so maybe that's why I appear smart. The egomaniac with the inferiority complex.
It's a useful tool, a great con. People have commented on my looks as a young man so maybe there's something to it but I just don't get it. I focus on the negative, the flaws, my many flaws. How do you take a compliment when you hate yourself. You don't, you laugh or shrug it off with sarcasm. Belittle yourself to show you are not worthy. I got to stop doing that for sure. I need to care enough for myself to care for myself without using people. Also I seem to have accumulated a pile of unresolved issues in my life.
Amends I never made or made for the wrong reasons so now I'm back to avoiding them. Right, still no coping skills. That fear was gone and now it's back? It's me, I brought it back. And apparently my nightly Step 11 inventory is weak, almost troublesome. I can forget just how my life was without God in it. It's not much different now really. Like I control God. I determine when God is needed and when not. That's got to stop. My life was so much better when I put my God first. Humbled myself before my Creator. I surrendered each morning and thought about my God all day really. I would pray for Gods direction, for what my next step would be. Well, it's clear God has been missing in my life. I believe I can change this today, right now. God I pray for courage and strength to be the best I can be today. Let me be a power of example and not an example of power today. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding.
Whelp? I'm not all fixed but I do feel much better. I can see some good in myself. I'm ready to offer myself freely. I'm ready to serve the man who suffers as I have. I can see him now. Seems like without my God I'll walk right by him. I have purpose? I am humbled. Willing to grow in understanding and effectiveness today, right now. I actually have a newer guy who's in real trouble that I was on the fence with. I wasn't sure I was the best sponsor for his needs. Now I know. I am reminded it's not about everyone else, it's about me and my willingness to serve. God I pray to not do or say anything that would harm this man.
What is it now 2:00 ish? I'll call him around 4. Give me a chance to breeze through Step 12 Working with others. Maybe get together tonight and make a beginning. I'll find out all I can about him to put myself in his position. Assess his critical needs as best I can. If he's interested? I'll lend him a copy of the Book and suggest Bills Story. I love Bills Story. Lots to chat about there. Yeah, this is good. I feel much better now.
Author
stepsherpa