I'd been reading my 5th Step for about 40 hours. Every night from 5ish till late. Notebooks full of my thorough inventory. The Book suggested we get it all down on paper and look at it, I did. Surrendering myself to my God, letting my God know that I now knew in a rough way what the trouble is or was in my life. That whole act of humility was complete and I was now alone yet comfortable.
My sponsor had gone home, it was after midnight. As suggested I took the Book down and opened it to the page that contains the first five Steps or proposals. I spent the suggested hour in review. Yes, I had been thorough. I had admitted powerlessness and surrendered in Step 3. I needed help so in Step 4 I prayed for my God to pick up the pen and put it to the paper. It worked. I had seen myself, my true self. I was now armed with facts and not living in delusion. It was clear. The problems were with me all along.
Humbly ready to have God remove these defects of character. Step 6. Well? I had seen my selfishness clearly, my dishonesty. My self seeking behavior putting the selfishness into action. I had seen the fear, the self centered fear that was the evil corroding thread of my existence. That fear dominated me. It seemed to multiply through trains of circumstance rolling through my life from long ago to the present.
So, I go from a spiritless drunk who's only escape left was suicide, to.. finding my lost Spirit, my Higher Power? My Spiritual creative intelligence? My newfound creator? The Book suggested God of my understanding. Was it real? Could it take these defects away, every one? I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe in AA. I wanted to believe I was doing something right for once. Just me. Alone.
Yes I was on to something. Mostly It was like living in a whole new world. Like being born again. Still at times, not sure if my life was getting better and better still or I had gone completely mad. It's almost as if it no longer mattered what was or had been going on, My whole attitude and outlook had changed. I wanted this new thing, I wanted Step 7. I began to rely on a completely new thing, faith. I was ready.
It's like Step 3 was a decision sure, and a huge one. But now? Step 7 was commitment, understanding. This is how my life was going to be now. That whole God either is or isn't thing. I'm all in now. As if I really did have a new employer and this was my job now. I would serve my God and my fellows as suggested. I could feel it really. I had purpose. A reason for living each day sober. Oddly I hardly thought of booze, I was no longer hopeless.
Weirder still? I hardly cared what others thought anymore. No I hadn't become a pillar of self reliance by any means nor was I signing Big Books at AA conventions. But I did have faith and with it came a courage and strength I lacked. After a life of feeling dominated by others? Empty and alone constantly. Running and hiding in my drunkenness each day. Always jockeying for position as If I was never good enough, now? I was just me and me was alright. I said my prayers and was willing to show up and serve the suffering man, do my job. This was my AA life now. Living sober.
I hit my knees. I read from the Big Book the 7th Step prayer. My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me good and bad. I didn't look at the word creator from a Biblical sense. It was more like I was one way and had been changed to another. It was the Spirit of the universe to me. It was all then and here and now, everything. I was no longer blind. I was willing, I made a decision and now a commitment. I was picked up and rescued, Saved from myself then dropped right into the middle of a better way, never to turn back into the extreme selfishness and fear that had dominated my life.. A Spiritual disease it said. The Spiritual malady was the disease of alcoholism. I get it.
I kept reading the 7th Step prayer. My creator, my God..I pray that you now remove every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go from here to do your bidding.
I wanted it, it was time for me. The many years of sponsorship was right around the Steps 8 and 9 corner. I could feel it and others told me so. I really felt I was on the Spiritual path suggested. I felt I had become a free man. I was at my new beginning, teachable. The fragmented coping skills I had lacked were materializing each day. I prayed each day for the courage to offer myself to the new man. To help him with the Big Book directions. To help him solve the drink problem, help him find his Spirit.
Author
stepsherpa