Brian California

Well, my new nickname when I had one drink. Brian California ... a rolling blackout. It wasn’t always like that. I did drink a lot before but didn’t go into such a deep dark hole of waking and drinking. I’m trying to think back when that started. I think it was the beginning of the lockdowns. There were periods of time I didn’t really move except to get more or fall. Prior to that I had an illusion of control. I could function, work and socialize with weekend binges and regular controlled evening/daily drinking. There was a tipping point where it was not possible to stop after awhile. I describe it as run away freight train. No one could reason with me. Not even myself. It was horrible. Then when I did stop the visions, night sweats, shakes, paranoia and all those little goodies showed up and I would just want a six pack to make it all go away. Today, all of the above happens if I have one drink. I learned the hard way on the 12th I think. Just wanted 3 to feel better, I had been sick. Well, that was it. Lost a lot because of my lapse in judgement and not being plugged into A.A. I keep regretting it and there is nothing I can do to fix anything. I want to fix it and that is just something beyond my control. Only God can and will “fix” anything according to His will, not mine. It’s a difficult thing to let go and I pray for help in that area as well. God Bless