Mental Health and Recovery.

My name is Jeff Rounds and I am an alcoholic in recovery. My drinking career was horrible and I am so grateful I woke up another day sober today. Sadly, alcoholism is one of the least of my issues. In 2017 I suddenly remembered a childhood that was so abusive, it made me want to kill myself and other people. My father was a dry drunk alcoholic who beat his sons and molested his daughters. In my teens, I received hypno-therapy to block out the bad thoughts and in September 2017, they all came back to me. For 10 nights, the memories of beatings and abuse flooded back into my mind, showing me all the things that I had forgotten for most of my adult life. It was too much for me, I lost my mind. I began attacking everyone and everything and I destroyed hundreds of relationships because of PTSD and Bipolar disorder. I went from being completely functional with a credit score in the high 700's to completely unable to handle my life. I could no longer work, getting out of bed was a chore, I hated and feared everyone. When the bills starting piling up, I started selling all my stuff. I couldn't think straight and I had no family or friends to support me. I sold my house to save my credit, and it did not help. I had to move 9 times after that due to mental health related issues, each time losing more self-respect and more of my possessions in the move. Amazingly, I stayed in recovery and for the most part it was the only safe place I could go. I am self employed, I have no medical care and I am horrible at navigating the system, so I have been on my own with a psychotic break for 6 years, struggling to regain my sanity. I cannot afford insurance, and I no longer trust the professionals with my mental health at all. I have been to 9 different therapists throughout my life and each of them had unresolved issues of their own and failed me horribly with their awful and misguided techniques. I have no where else to go, 12 step recovery is really my only option. Unfortunately, my trauma is too severe and I cannot handle any amount of disrespect from other people. Currently, I am pissed off at GSAA . First I have a women rip me apart because of a tradition I did not understand and after I set her straight, another GSAA chair decided to publicly embarrass me in front of hundreds of members instead of messaging me directly. I am not sure what do to about my recovery now. Thankfully I have sponsees I can still work the steps with and a new trauma therapist who has helped me a great deal. Until I am healthy enough to put up with rudeness from oldtimers and control freaks, I cannot put myself in a room here and risk another attack. My trauma is horrible right now and I cannot risk anymore conflicts on this platform. Hopefully I will heal enough one day to tolerate rude, stupid and insincere comments from people who think they are better than me. Right now, I just need to keep to myself until my anger has left me.