i dont know today what the exact act of Providence caused me to make the final act of desperation and honestly reach out for help was. maybe it was a culmination of things, loss of relationships, loss of employment, loss of home, loss of dignity, idk. what i can recall is bein so defiant while out doin my dirt that i was willin to give it all up so i could drink and be left alone. the obsession i had to be able to drink without causin all the trouble i did for others and myself was so insidious. what i do know is that one day i had had enough and was scared and tired of the way my life was goin. maybe there was a rock in my back as i slept under the bridge. maybe the park benches the night before were too hard. maybe the stench that surrounded me like the dirtball that followed pigpen became too much. as i said, maybe it was all that shit wrapped into one. and even in my early recovery, before i had gotten too far into the steps with my sponsor i still had that lurkin idea that maybe, with the little bit of knowledge i had gained from others in the rooms, i could go back out there and try it all over again, with a new hope and new resolve. but as i sat in the rooms, listened to others more, put into practice what i was learnin, those ridiculous, insidious thoughts of a return to the drink subsided. maybe, just maybe, there was an act of Providence i wasnt even aware of happenin around me and within me. maybe i started to honestly ask God to help me and started to subconsciously accept His help. whatever it was i remained at the halfway house and trudged through my days filled with the hope others were givin me. as illusion and denial began to disperse in my head and clarity started to give way to the changes i was experiencin, the leap of faith and trust i had made started showin me that the universe was still around in the mornin. i began to seek to accept, one day at a time, that life included the awkward ingredient of change. i started to welcome lifes spiritual ingredients. today, i still dont think i have to have all the right answers, my ideas are just my honest thoughts. if they are spiritually gifted through intuition, they still may just be that act of Providence continuin to work in my life. and within my wonderful new world, i have found freedom from my fatal obsession. 1 day @ a time...
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