even if i was to say i struggled with the idea of understandin that i was an alcoholic way before i entered the rooms, and even after i had, i didnt fully understand until i went through “more about alcoholism” in the big book with my sponsor. obviously before i came into the rooms i had some notion and even joked light heartedly about it at a bar while slammin down my shot glass for another shot of whiskey. and even havin lost everythin i had ever worked for, depletin my marriage, excommunicatin relationships, and havin moved into a halfway house with a wrinkled, savaged, brown paper grocery sack full of dirty clothes, i still played with the idea that i could still beat my current situation. but that chapter, identifyin and recognizin myself in it, put to rest any lurkin notion that i was not an alcoholic. it had come time, after listenin to others, readin the big book, and lookin at all the havoc and chaos i had created for others and myself, to concede to my innermost self that i was an alcoholic. i needed to look at those in my past and relate myself to them. i had to look at the storys i was hearin in the rooms and relate them to me. i had to relate the readins of, “the doctors opinion”, “bills story”, “there is a solution”, and that damned chapter, “more about alcoholism”, to me. i had to identify joel in those past relationships, storys i was hearin, those chapters, and the place i was at in my life. guess wtf i found in all of that? joel!!! there was no more playin with the idea that i wasnt an alcoholic. that idea was effectively smashed. though i wasnt too sure that this thing we do could help me, i began to feel it within. the awareness of bein able to see myself in the situations that were presented to me made me begin to understand that no matter how i tried to outthink or outsmart my addiction to alcohol, those experiences stopped any suspicion and became a belief that began to open doors within for me. i began to learn the principles of a good life. i began to pray for them, meditate on them, and work at applyin them in the practice of livin my day. with simple surrender i began to let go of my need to stay in turmoil. i started to learn how to cultivate peace and trust that timely solutions and goodness would arise naturally and harmoniously out of the wellspring of peace. i consciously let go and let God. and would ya believe, peace of mind came because of it? as the broad, roomy, and all-inclusive realm of the spirit began to flow within, i came to believe i was an alcoholic. i began to heal my heart. 1 day @ a time...
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