my daily reflections…

learnin about all the fear i had early in my recovery was quite a load. to be honest, it was very overwhelmin. i didnt know or could i even comprehend the fear i truly had. writin down that initial inventory made me aware of all the fear that had caused me to build hate and anger deep within. i learned that because of all the times i had made mistakes in judgement and the outcomes of those situations, i had begun to lose trust with myself and God. these were now realities that i had to face, i couldnt push the fear they caused me down or cover it up with another drink. these fears, bein hidden, created within, a soul-sickness that affected me behaviorally, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. the mistrust i had learned to use to cope with those fears fed the hate and anger i had whenever i felt alarmed. my reaction would change my behavior causin further harm to myself, and later others. beginnin to love myself was just as hard as learnin about all that fear trapped within. that took time too. lookin back, i see what a task i had in front of me to accomplish. with the wisdom gained from continued work in personal inventories, i have learned to forgive and love myself so that fear can be overcame with faith. becomin trustin within wasnt what i had planned in the beginnin and certainly diggin out all that shit and lookin at it wasnt either. but today, i get to live a very healthy behavioral, emotional, psychological, and spiritual way of life that doesnt tend to cause or let fear rule me too much. it doesnt mean i still dont have fears within, it merely means that i deal with em much differently than i did in the past. self-forgiveness, self-love, prayer, faith, meditation, hope, and trust are the spiritual tools i need to use to keep myself sane, happy, joyous, and free. 1 day @ a time...