learnin how to control my emotions and actions wasnt somethin that was so easy to do when i came into recovery. i had lived in such a manner prior, doin what i wanted when i wanted, that all my action and thought was based purely on selfish motives, rationalization, and self-justification. to suggest that i impose restraint on myself by tryina maintain some kind of self-control only begged that i act out even more so to prove incontinence or self-will. learnin much about myself through personal inventory and many talks with my sponsor i found i needed to learn some type of self-restraint. lookin at past experience and voicin what i had found in my inventory, i had discovered that curbin the way i spoke to others was a good start in practicin this weakness within. somehow along the way i had learned that respect of others wasnt somethin i needed to be concerned with. recovery taught me that i had thought this as some kind of misguided freedom, that i had actually been hurtin others and myself with maligned ridicule and a right to judge and condemn. i learned that in order for me to build my own ego i had to try to adjust my self-esteem by exactin a vengeance first so i wouldnt feel like i was bein taken advantage of. with a clear understandin of how these actions and behaviors eventually affected my thinkin, it was imperative that i face the dark side of me and start usin self-restraint by sayin or behavin in the exact opposite of what i was thinkin. sounds simple but was not easy. today i have, and use, self-restraint to build up others and myself. ive found that discussin these parts of me with God and with another human bein helps me grow self-restraint so that i have a true freedom rather than one that is wrapped in self-pity, anger, hate, and revenge. self-restraint has become a strength within that allows me to grow acceptance, understandin, and empathy. when i harbor grudges and plan revenge, i am really beatin myself with the club of anger i have intended to use on others. ive learned that when i am seriously disturbed, my first need is to quiet that disturbance, regardless of who or what i think caused it, practicin and livin self-restraint as best as i can. practicin self-restraint allows for happiness, ego-deflation, peace of mind, and good will to grow and prosper within. 1 day @ a time...
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