it was through personal inventory that i learned who i truly was within. i didnt know the personality problems i had were the bane of my existence. comin into the rooms i learned that i would have to look at me and find these problems that had troubled me all my life. now i reckon i can honestly say that people pointed these things out to me well before my recovery ever began, i just didnt have the courage to work them out as rightly as i should. my answer was always, fuck em if they dont like it. but deep within, it always hurt me, even though i thought i wasnt in the wrong, there was somethin within that said i was. lookin at it, diggin into it, was never an option. and if it became too much, i relied on a drink to take the feelin/emotion away. recovery showed me the error in my ways, it taught me that diggin into these things would help me heal. whether they were emotional, behavioral, psychological, or spiritual, i would find out through rigorous personal inventory. i reckon bein sober a few months, havin seen the life others who had made this thing we do a part of their lives live with inner happiness, wantin to start bein as honest with myself as i could, and havin started to form a relationship with my HP, there seemed a natural inquisitiveness to find these things out. with an early start into discoverin what my emotional deformities were, i started yet another recovery journey toward their correction. i learned how the lies i had told werent so stupid, irrelevant, or harmless, that they were all aimed at buildin up my ego. how i had told so many lies to cover the lies i had previously told that i got lost in a maze of untruth. how my memory could not keep up with my tongue, causin the self-harm of guilt, shame, remorse, and self-embarrassment. learnin these things opened me up to becomin vulnerable; that the megillah i had always spun closed my mind from truth. i learned that I was exactly right the way i was, that i didnt have to try to spin cotton candy out of dirt and mud. takin the time to become completely willin to dig some of this shit out and honestly look at it and exert myself to do the job thoroughly, provided me with a wonderful light upon my foggy past. as i persisted, a brand-new kind of confidence was born, and the sense of relief at finally facin myself felt indescribable. its a practice i still use today. 1 day @ a time...
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