i can recall the feelin of peace of mind after i had been in the halfway house i had entered after a couple of months. though i still had the ragin frustration, anger, resentment, hate, self-loathin, ego, fear, and guilt within, i could sense the chaos around me dwindle, affectin the shit storm tornado within. i had begun to start feelin the hope within that maybe, just maybe, this thing we do, could and would, work for me as i watched and got to know some of the others who had come into the rooms before me. it had the effect that maybe i might want to continue forward as hard as it seemed to be. it was a process of tryin to change my lifelong beliefs and lookin at the experiences i had had differently than i ever had before. lettin loose of self-pity and loneliness played a big part in those early days. even as i was still on high alert of anybody touchin a raw nerve, with honesty, hope, and faith, i began to trust some people, places, and opportunities. it took a lot of courage to blindly go where i had never gone before. but that trust i had begun to develop as i built relationships with my HP, those around me, and myself, began to show that what i was bein given was a freedom that offered me hope that if i continued, things would change within and around me. i can remember, as i watched those around me, tryin every way i could conceivably come up with to get what they already had. i stretched every means within to get it and never could. and there it was, right in front of me the whole time, all i had to do was quit intellectually blockin what God had already provided me and quit the mental masturbation that had always fucked me without regard. i had to stop feelin like and thinkin that God was my enemy. havin had time to observe how He has worked in my life ive been able to see how frustration, ego, resentment, fear, anger, self-loathin, and guilt truly held me back. today i live differently understandin that i dont know everythin and am ok with that. and because of lettin go of that self-reliance, i get to receive the promises of a limitless lode. 1 day @ a time...
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