my daily reflections…

i learned through my personal inventory how fear had driven me to step on the toes of my fellows. and just as the big book says on page 62, self-delusion, self-seekin, and self-pity, were the fears within that had provoked me to act in ways that others had no idea or thought as to why i would say and do shit that hurt them. within i fought a battle they had no idea was goin on. within i felt like i had to protect myself from outward attacks. many times, the attacks i perceived were happenin werent anythin like i drummed em up to be within. others just as myself, had to protect themselves from me too. i didnt know this, i didnt know that maybe, others were fightin battles within too. why wouldnt someone who felt a threat from me try to protect themselves. today, i see that my attitude and behavior, along with my alcohol consumption, kept me sick. it kept me at odds with everythin and everybody. it offered me a solution to the fears i felt within. it gave me a false sense of courage that had me actin in ways that threatened others. i was a dick because of self-centered fear. recovery taught me how to use a spiritual program that allowed me to be free to reject, consider, and have my own opinions in life. i do not have to agree, or disagree, with everythin that was said or done. in this way, i discovered the value of self-esteem. i found that when i lived with spiritual values, the fears mentioned prior werent a factor in how i interacted with others. when i wasnt tryna protect somethin nobody knew existed, i didnt say or do shit that harmed them. i learned the freedom of cooperation with my fellows. i learned that it was ok to feel pain or happiness and live alongside others. that when i used the faith i had in my HP, i could free myself of irrational fears and live toward a change that was healthy, balanced, and positive. with acceptance, belief, and change, i didnt have to be driven by my fears, i could be driven by the nature of good within. everyone is allowed to be themselves, and i dont have to always be the one to provoke a reaction through one of my actions. 1 day @ a time...