my daily reflections…

while i was out doin my dirt i couldnt ever feel included in anythin. i had kept myself a loner because of the fear i had of others makin fun of me. i had been hurt by the opinions of others in my youth and in an effort to keep those emotions that caused the fear of harm i built walls within and put in place a self-imposed prison that helped me to shun the assessment of others. i didnt understand as a child how the benefit of inclusion could help me grow. the selfishness and self-centeredness i nurtured kept me excluded from the love of others, even the love of the people that loved me most. well, as ya can imagine, these ideas and concepts only grew to proportions that cultivated my latter alcoholism. i had created within a self-sufficiency that kept hope, faith, love, other people, and God out of my life. it became so easy to get caught up in conditions that my personal delusion wasnt about what i did it became who i was, lonely, delusional, and full of fear. the beauty of the world around me that God had created was blinded and the grace He provided couldnt come to me. as i grew older, drugs, alcohol, crazy relationships, and my thinkin continued to get in the way of bein what God had intended me to be, whatever that was. recovery taught me, showed me through personal inventory, that i had punished myself, that i expected too much, and that i neglected my own needs. i could not let go of the pain the delusion of my thinkin created. i used my "insight" to keep myself stuck and to protect myself from the risk of positive change. learnin to have hope and becomin willin in my early recovery brought people, who didnt even know me, but truly did, into my life to help me. it was an amazin thing to see the unity of this thing we do come to save me from myself. as my HP began to restore me, i began to let go of the things that hindered my personal growth and i began to possess a gift more powerful than the keenest insight; it was a faith in my ability to grow and change as i grew emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. the ones who came in before me showed me that all the creative power of the universe would stream through me if i didnt block it. they helped me to understand that my old ideas would no longer work. they showed me how hope and perseverance could lead to a stronger faith when i let my HP and recovery teach me a new way of life. the fellowship of recovery continues to make me feel included, not excluded, from its heartbeat of unity. 1 day @ a time...