my daily reflections…

the willingness to grow came from the final years of doin my dirt. the progression of my alcoholism wasnt fast and didnt happen in weeks. it took many years for it to grow within. but the final years, the ones where my alcoholism had taken good root, helped the character defects and shortcomins, the ones i had been nurturin all my life, start to blossom, and i began to become so self-indulged that showin my ass became a daily occurrence. it was a development that i was blinded to because of the resentments i had formed and also nurtured for years. as they grew, my alcoholism grew. as my alcoholism grew, it began to become apparent to others. though i could not see the harm i was doin to others or myself, others had no problem pointin it out to me. and as they spoke, self-justification and personal rationalization shut them up and tuned them out in my mind. they didnt know me! they hadnt suffered the fates and destiny i had unwittingly set myself up for!! fuck them, who needs them bitches, cause i certainly dont!!! these thoughts even affected the relationships i had with the ones who loved me most. the ones i had sworn to honor and protect. comin into the rooms i had to make a self-appraisal, and now it was time to straightened out my past, and in endeavorin to do so, set matters straight that i alone had put into motion, that i alone had done to make those around me want nothin to do with me. it was important for those to whom i was to approach realize that my attempt to make an amends to them played a vital part in my recovery. it wasnt that they had to agree or even care, but it was important that i express this reason for an amends for them, to them. i had to stand aside and let God work through me. this willingness to give parts of me away, was an essential part to my spiritual development. a willingness to put myself out there so i could gain integrity and become a part of life again, no matter the cost to me, aside from becomin a self-martyr. i had to ask God, to help me live through this time. i needed the relationships i had formed in recovery to help rebuild the relationships i had so readily thrown away before i came into recovery. it was an attempt by me to diminish whatever separated me from everybody else. facin all, intuitively trustin Him, i had to practice the highest form of self-respect, humility, and brotherly love to admit my mistakes and make amends for them. 1 day @ a time...