my daily reflections…

movin forward with an amends that i had harbored and grew for decades wasnt an easy thing to do. not all were nearly deeply engrained, but the process of gettin past all of them was an arduous task. hell man, if i could have let em go by myself, i would have, i just didnt know how to while out doin my dirt. so, swollowin em down each time i took a drink was my only recourse. and even in recovery, i recently after 16+ years completed an amends. patience and perseverance, trust and faith, surrender and acceptance, honesty and humility, and finally, brotherly love, self-love, and self-respect, all played a part in makin these long-term amends. reliance upon my HP, lettin go of self and lettin his protection and care consume me with complete abandon took time. resentment and self-anger played a part in creatin an emotional trip of low self-esteem that created a prolonged process, but i finally completed them. the one that took the longest didnt have anythin to do with anybody else but myself. i was afraid, and it took his comfort and care for me to let my resistance go so i could accept my own self-worth. i wish i could assign procrastination to it, fuck man, that shits easy to deal with today, but it was far more deeply engrained than that, i am an alcoholic. ive always talked about the freedoms ive received from recovery but this final 18 yearlong amends finally happened and today i am truly free to branch out from the chains that have held me down. this final amends, with the love i needed from the reliance upon my HP, is one that has opened doors for myself that i purposely kept closed. its been a couple of weeks now and im still learnin to let myself grow from it, but im fuckin doin it mannn. im walkin in Gods love and am feelin the spring of Gods power in my steps and the joy of his love in my heart. its a freedom i cannot address in words. i reckon in the youth of my recovery ive gotten to learn, and with time in recovery im gettin to understand. i reckon the reality of it is, today i know less and understand more. i get to experience that all true strength and power come from my HP. from Him im given grace today to be strong, kind, and tender to all, includin self. ive gained the wisdom about the tugs of frustration, anger, and fear. i get to use the idea of “let go and let God.” with years of calm, thoughtful reflection upon personal problems, emotional, psychological, behavioral, and spiritual health have helped personal relations that have deepened my insight. 1 day @ a time...