my daily reflections…

the questions in this mornins daily reflections have answers that i could answer readily before my recovery began. bein full of self, not wantin to face the reality of my life, and wantin to hide anythin and everythin that could make me vulnerable or show my true fears within, would have me answerin each question with lies and deceit. and truth be known, the only one i was tryin to lie to or be deceitful toward was myself. if i could create the delusion with the illusion of a healthy lifestyle, thats all i needed. when i came into the rooms, full of fear, scared of what i knew was ahead of me if i had continued, i had to face these questions with the rigorous honesty recovery suggestively demands of me. i had to learn to be tolerant of me, imagine that, tolerant of the liar i knew i was within. i had to admit i had done things to others and myself to protect my ability to continue to consume alcohol, then make actual physical amends for those harms. i had to learn how to be humble enough to admit that i, alone, had caused all these harms and damage, and seek help from an outside source that wasnt tangible. i had to learn how to honestly pray and meditate to the ghost i couldnt see or touch. i had to gain enough integrity within so i could go to another, admit who and what i was, then try to help them so they could live a new and different way of life. doin these actions, committin to new and different behaviors, i had to shed my self-centeredness if i wanted to stay alive. yeah man, it was like that for me, i had drank myself to the point that death was loomin, whether by my own hand, accidental, or by the hand of another. recovery taught me how to find a new outlook on life. behavior modification taught me how to change from alcoholic thinkin to sober thinkin. i learned how to find peace and acquire serenity so i wouldnt harbor disturbin thoughts. i learned how rigorous honesty could help me live through fears, worries, and resentments i may have. i learned that the life convictions i had were more dangerous than the lies i could tell to hide them. today i get to live in the moment if i choose to with necessary gentle reminders of how blessed honesty had helped me become. today, with the help of the 12 steps, i get to live in the solution of my well-defined problem, me. 1 day @ a time...