my daily reflections…

i can remember comin into recovery full of guilt. i had gone against the very things i had held others to but could not live up to myself. it had always been easy for me to explain away the wrong i did because i had built up a false sense of pride that could take away the guilt i felt within. and when that didnt work, ya fuckin know i drank that shit down. blamin others for what was happenin in my life was easy man. but when the alcohol and drugs were stripped away, and i had to face me, ya know i fell apart. alcohol was awesome, it took it all away, but then the next day would come and i would feel the remorse and shame for the things i had done or said. and usually, i had gone out and created even more tornados and added to the shit storm that was already a hurricane. recovery taught me how to deal with guilt, remorse, and shame, with honesty, humility, and integrity. i had to come to terms with the fact that i wasnt the person i said or thought i was. ridin the blame train, sometimes even bein the engineer that drove the bitch, had to stop. i had to face me, learn to surrender, tolerate that i wasnt superhuman, could make mistakes, and accept my humanness. as hard as that was! i would love to tell ya that was all i had to do, but id be a liar if i did. i reckon, im not that simple. i had to follow through with all the steps and even do em again, and again. hell man, i still do em today. im still learnin to live by a code of ethics i do not always like but know is good for me. although i do not always fully understand the spiritual principles of recovery, as i grow and practice them, each day i get a little better awareness. honesty, truth, openness, forgiveness, acceptance, humility, and hope are principles i thought i lived before, but ive learned, i was the one who defined em. today im learnin their real definitions. i am beginnin to feel what i always thought other people had. i can face me, i aint gotta blame another for the place i am at this moment. when i drop my false ego, i get to warmly welcome all who come to help me. by droppin accusations that harm me and others, i get to give so i may receive. im still learnin to forgive and love me. 1 day @ a time...