my daily reflections…

i had to surrender when i came in this last time. though it still took a little time to surrender, bits of surrender came as i continued to try. it took willingness to survive in a different way, a concept i was beginnin to become familiar with. it was strange, it was like it meant survival, but it was survival without the crux of alcohol. my ego and self-centeredness, still somethin i work with today, kept tryin to have me walk away from the recovery i had started, but i couldnt. i didnt want to go back to that lifestyle. i kept havin the thought that i had made it this far, why couldnt i continue to make it. deep down within, i knew it was just me tryin to continue to lie to me, tryin to get me to go back to the shit storm i had left. as the minutes, hours, days, and weeks droned on, i continued to inwardly feel the newfound willingness and surrender rescue me from me. mannn, it took time!!! the new friendships i was developin, the most important with self, kept provin to be one of the most important elements for the feelin of a rich and joyful life. and as my mind continued to clear, i could feel good mental health tell me that i didnt have to walk through life alone anymore. the hope that God could and would do for me what i could not, kept provin itself out. inspite of continued character faults, people around me continued to give me forgiveness, hope, and love unwarranted. and early on it was hard for me to reciprocate it, but as love for myself grew slowly, love for others grew too. as i grew within, i slowly abandoned notions of perfection in myself and in others. it was a sign of bein rescued by surrender. today i get to revel in the willingness, honesty, and open mindedness that i was able to feebly develop back in the early days of my recovery. they were buildin blocks of a foundation that has gotten stronger as time has passed. today i aint gotta fight too hard to surrender, or keep self-respect, ive found the wealth emotionally, psychologically, behaviorally, and spiritually of hopeful surrender. 1 day @ a time...