my daily reflections…

it took me time to turn it all over when i first came into the rooms. its not that i didnt or couldnt believe in Him, its that when i had tried in the past, and im talkin years ago, in my youth, nothin ever seemed to come from my belief. maybe i pushed my will into it. maybe i didnt know how to use the belief i had. idk, but for whatever reason, even after learnin and hearin storys of His grace, it just seemed that i couldnt build the strength and confidence in Him. so, as it is, as my story goes, i turned my back on Him and went about my way. comin into the rooms, i learned that i had to try to have faith in somethin greater than i or i would stand little chance of gettin sober and stayin that way. i didnt understand then that i would have to do much more than just not drink to be able to build a relationship with Him. not drinkin was a great start but i had to learn to let go of lifelong concepts i had relied on. ones that had sustained me through tough times and good, no matter how unhealthy they were. to think that mere hope or faith could get me sober or even keep me sober was beyond belief to begin with. but as i sat in the rooms, listened, and did what i could to live and practice foreign concepts, ones i had always heard of, but NEVER did nothin with, i began to change. i learned that the philosophies i had werent just theory, they were actually an activity. fuck mannn, i NEVER knew that. they were always there or they werent. i NEVER understood they were malleable, that they could be formed and shaped. they werent as black and white as i had always made them. so, the jump into spirituality could be somethin i made my own. i could make mistakes and live a spiritual life as long as i kept toward the goal of its idea. and of course, this required patience on my behalf of my own doins. i didnt have to have it all at once, i could let it grow and shape itself. i could get the direction, the comfort, or the answers i really needed if i asked for them from the right source and accepted their possible fallibility. today i understand what discipline is. its not somethin that if i dont do it right ive fucked it all up and am doomed to hell. when i have discipline i get to grow and am an evolution of a person who isnt perfect. this gives me the courage to continue to surrender and grow the spirituality and relationship with my HP i need. today i understand that great sufferin and great love are recoverys disciplinarians; i aint to have a need for others. 1 day @ a time...