my daily reflections…

this mornins readin always gives me hope! it shows me that this thing we do, this thing i do, takes time to get. it doesnt happen overnight. when in the days of doin my dirt i had always tried to separate myself from others. whether they were from a different social class, ethnicity, economic, sides of town, country or city, it didnt matter, just so long as i was different. my problems couldnt have been like anybody elses, i was joel, i was different. and didnt those ways of thinkin create the narcissist i became. it provided a wall between me and others. after all, i didnt want to let anybody within so they could see who i truly was. isolation and loneliness became friends, not enemies, and it soon drove me into indulgin in the alcoholic i was to become. what i found in recovery was that i wasnt so different as i thought i needed to be to survive. the antisocial traits i had developed and nurtured, became things that others were openly talkin about in the rooms. i was shocked! i thought i was the only one. i learned that the characters i had grown into had created mental health issues that were not problems only i suffered from. my social anxiety and struggles with abandonment, or self, that had caused me to withdraw from family and friends, had helped to develop a lack of self-esteem that only grew the more i practiced isolation and loneliness. there were others that talked about me and didnt even know me. the subjects talked about openly in the rooms were catalysts for me to begin workin within and takin the time i needed to learn about who i truly was. just like this mornins readin suggests, it took time for them, and it did for me as well. i needed to grow within and learn so i could evolve into a person, into who i truly am. today i understand that im not different. i can use what God has given me to be the person i am posed to be, no matter what anybody else thinks, even me. i aint gotta doubt the power of God and so, take things into my own hands. i can follow Gods guidance, so that spiritual success shall be mine, and i can grow into a useful and effective person for Him, for others, and myself. today i get to use the program of recovery to become me. 1 day @ a time...