my daily reflections…

recovery had a way of breakin my alcoholic spirit. with its immediate references to ego and pride, honesty and humility, and that damned 4th step, i had to surrender and accept certain facts about me that i had fought against and tried to fake away all my life. i had always been offered guidance but i chose to let it go because i thought i knew better. i had to find a better way. mannn ya know, as hard as i tried, i never could. sure, i might come across an idea that would suit me and work for a minute, but it usually caused me problems in the end. the ones who tried to help me were let go, i had to try to prove them wrong, no matter how right i knew within, they were. purpose, meanin, and destiny were my, so called responsibility, not some God. i was the one who had all the power and justice, forget about love, though i secretly yearned for it. can ya’ll see how ego and false pride set me up for failure? how honesty and humility escaped me because of self-centeredness, righteousness, and reliance? and then there was the “God thing” recovery said i had to use and adopt if i wanted to change. well, even before step 4 i had already started to battle the idea that maybe, just maybe, i had to not only hear what the others were sayin in the rooms, but listen, and then do. thats how guidance started for me. listenin to others, listenin to my sponsor, then tryin to build a relationship with my HP so i could feel the next right action. its there that even today i use those early lessons still. if i want to live the change recovery has to offer i must continue to give up control. this means i must own a belief in a creator who is all power, justice, and love; a God who intends for me a purpose, a meanin, and a destiny to grow! its a practice in honesty, humility, and hope. i must keep in the stream of goodness in the world, surrenderin so that i may live the way God wants and guides me to live. in the rhythm of my life today, i must make the decision to put my life and my will into the care of my HP, so i may find the right rhythm for me. i have to let go of fear, must stop fightin ego against reality, so frustration, ego, anxiety, resentment arent what guide me. i aint perfect, but ive learned who and what is for me. i must trust His perfect guidance. 1 day @ a time...