my daily reflections…

all my time in the days of doin my dirt i thought i had courage. i put on a facade that i wasnt scared of any person or thing. it was a veneer that carried me through much of the chaos i alone created. recovery showed me, then taught me, just how it was a false self-made exterior, just how it was a front, just how it was a very weak attempt to make others think i had grit, and how self-deceptive i had been so i didnt have to look within. i thought i could handle anythin, at any time, and yet i would whither within. i had fooled myself into such a false sense of security that when i felt emotions within, feelins that became so hard to face that my only option to let loose the disposition of my reality, the delusion that created an illusion of what and who i truly was, was alcohol. and wouldnt ya know it, alcoholism became emboldened and convalescent with each drink i took over the years of self-propelled emotional abuse. i couldnt see me for the person i had become. the person i had always ran from. the person i didnt want to be. in the rooms, within my recovery, i got to learn what courage truly meant. recovery showed me, then taught me, the true definition of the word courage. it meant i had to face me, it meant i needed somethin more than i, to see me. particular to the words i phrase this mornin and the order with which they are presented, “showed me, then taught me”, is the exact way i got to learn of my personal cowardly ways the facade of courage had drawin me through my life before recovery. here i was, facin me, now i had to honestly, rigorously, face joel. and i didnt have to do it alone ever again! i got to learn how to use courage to look within and begin to decipher what made me who i had become. it was with the teachin and the self-work step 4s spiritual principle of courage invited me to do, i moved forward to make a searchin and fearless moral inventory of my life history, of myself, as best as i could. with my sponsors guidance, others in the rooms, and faith in my HP, my personal look within began. with a 1st look into emotional sobriety, i faced one of my biggest fears, my inner self. 1 day @ a time...