my daily reflections…

as far back as i can remember, i always wanted to be a gangster! ha! just messin... throughout my childhood, into my teen years, and later into adulthood, i never felt like i was a part of anythin. i always wanted to be a part of somethin but could never find what could make me feel like i belonged anywhere. even in my nuclear family, i felt like i was different, not a part of. did i want to be, yes i did. i wanted to feel accepted and could never find acceptance anywhere. i cannot say when or where, what happened, or how it happened exactly, but that feelin of disapproval always hung over my head. the personal inventory of step 4, after doin it a few times, peelin back da onion, diggin just a lil deeper each time, is a very eye openin experience. it allowed me to see shit within i had never wanted to look at before. i learned through recovery a whole bunch about myself that kept me separated from others. i learned i had abandonment, self-esteem, and self-pity issues. i learned that these personal problems were rich soil for all kinds of character that permitted my alcoholism to bud and blossom into a flowerin, fruitful, giant, i had no control over. resentment helped to create hate, selfishness & self-centeredness. jealousy & envy piloted me to suspicion & bitterness. frustration, accompanied by anger, heartened me to hurt pride, self-pity, misunderstandin, and fear. fear led me to ego, pride, and self-loathin problems. these were character faults and shortcomins i found were within me, and for the longest time, i could not face or deal with, so i pushed them deeper within. finally, alcohol became what helped to alleviate the pressures buildin my alcoholism within. today ive faced these demons within and continue to work with em usin what my HP and recovery offer. today ive surrendered, accepted me for me, so i may tolerate a life bein either, included, or excluded. i get to be one in a family, a friend, a colleague, and a useful member of society. though i may still suffer from forms of emotional, behavioral, and spiritual disease, i have a solution that does not keep me stuck in my disease. ive learned livin the change is the characteristic of all growth. i aint gotta be held prisoner of my own faults or shit i truly had no control over. forgiveness unlocks the door and sets me free. 1 day @ a time...