my daily reflections…

the paragraph quoted in this mornins daily reflection was what i came to believe defined the disease of alcoholism i now understand i have. it was instrumental as i broke it down to understand how each part mentioned were aspects of the disease which had affected me and those i interacted with. as i attempted to understand it as a factual definition of alcoholism, i could not deny how each of the parts in this paragraph fit into my life before recovery so well. through inventorys done in step 4 & 8, i learned how the character defects and shortcomins drove the emotions and behavior which had caused problems in the relationships i tried to have. my defects created emotional problems that became too much for me to handle. as i tried to overcome them alone, with little success, alcohol seemed to be a solution that worked. as i indulged in my newly found release, the life i had tried to build began to fall apart. i traded alcohol for relationships with others, a relationship with self, jobs, and the material things i had worked so hard to gain. as i tried to fool myself into believin it was everybody elses fault for the person i was becomin, i fell into misery and depression. the solution, pour more alcohol on it. as i became filled with even more self-centered fear, how could i become happy within? the solution, pour more alcohol on it. alcohol had the ability to take the unhappiness within away so i could create a false reality of happiness and good will on the outside. damn these inventorys that produce such credible light bulb discoverys. i understand today, through several inventorys since my first one, i must continue to practice the solutions ive found in recovery. i have to be willin to remain humble and let my life & recovery evolve; as i do, i learn better and newer ways to grow to overcome my faults because they too evolve. ive heard it said in the rooms, its not an overnight matter, this thing we do must be lived for the rest of my life. today i want to have some power and manageability over my emotional sobriety, relationships, and physical well bein. i aint gotta have all the control, but it does feel good within to have solutions that do not involve more chaos. today i get to take some charge of the quality of my life. i get to continue to grow in the ability to become aware of the thoughts and behaviors that have been controllin me. i get to pause before i respond to life and remember respect is a two-way street. recovery, nor my HP, will never let me down. 1 day @ a time...