my daily reflections…

it was easy to deflect personal responsibility back in the days of doin my dirt while ridin da ol blame train. 1st class tickets were readily available. how easy it still may be to jump aboard, lookin at the ones who perceivably wrong me so i aint gotta look at myself. recovery has taught me, then shown me through personal inventorys, just how painfully and self-humiliatin the shit i can spot in others which i may find unfavorable, are typically twice as bad so far as my own character is concerned. in my early recovery i needed to learn how to look at my character and shortcomins instead of everybody elses. i got to learn how judgin their insides by their outsides were most def a lead into an adventure in unhealthy self-esteem issues. it didnt matter what they had or how they may have felt, nor what i had perceived theyd done or didnt do, it was easy for me to let my greatest enemies of self, resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear take foot and begin to blame. self-pity, self-esteem, and self-centeredness would show up and i could blame them for how i felt and why i had done or didnt do whatever needed to be done. as long as i didnt have to feel those emotions mentioned above, i could continue to move forward. and ya know, blamin others for who and what i was, was capped off with alcohol. alcohol made it so i could live emotionally, psychologically, behaviorally, and spiritually, increasin and strengthenin the levels of my alcoholism i was growin within. it was always someone elses fault! personal responsibility could never be found or accepted. when i felt my humanness overcomin those healthy emotions, i had to use unhealthy behaviors like consummation of alcohol and enactin my character defects and shortcomins to live past em. those DAMNED personal inventorys in step 4 taught me so much about me. i needed my sponsor to help show me these things and teach me, usin the big book, how to move past me, so i could focus further on my recovery. my sponsor was an example to me of a better way of livin. with his help, today, i get to carry on in spite of my many personal hindrances. ive grown in emotional sobriety. i have hope and can confirm inner peace of mind; i can feel good knowin that every day i am in recovery is a gentle amend for the past. subtle behavioral tact is the intelligence within my heart that changes my thinkin. ive learned God is forever there, when i walk with Him, He meets me at the steps. 1 day @ a time...