when i approached step 4, i found it difficult. even as i already had an idea of what and who i was, i didnt want to have to see it all written down on paper through my own efforts. it meant i had to take into consideration the realization that i was a fuckin loser. that i had done things to others that they never deserved due to self-righteousness and self-centered fear. i had to look at resentments and fears i thought were well founded. i had to pick em apart and find where i had been affected by my own actions. this made me responsible for the place i found myself. most def it went contrary to my self-will, i wanted to be right!! step 5 though, damn man, now i gotta really be held accountable!!! i was at the place in my process through the 12 steps were even as i thought i had learned enough of humility, fearlessness, and honesty, it was necessary, for me to tell what i had found to someone else. i could no longer hide, i had to spit it all out; i had to throw it all up all over my sponsors coffee bar, the dirt about me i thought had made my deeds so unfortunately incredible. goin into that day, i was racked with fear! but i was also ready. if that makes any sense. i was tired of lookin at it all and tryin to make sense of it, cause i surely didnt know how. just bein new to recovery and havin had been as honest as i could possibly be, gainin enough hope that i could live a different way of life, havin recently formed a new understandin of a relationship with God, and learnin what courage meant from writin my shit story down on paper, i now had to give it away, and not just to some spiritual concept, but to another person. today, i will state this with confidence and integrity, it was one of the most freein things ive ever done in my life. it beat any drunk or high i could have experienced before my recovery began. as the hours passed after i had gotten back to my apt at the halfway house i was stayin at, i felt a sense of ease and comfort that was new and fresh. i found a wholesome restin place, a peace of mind unexplainable and indescribable in words. i had unloaded a couple of decades of pent-up emotion and frustration in a few short hours. and it was a mere beginning. within my wonderful new world, ive found freedom from my fatal obsession. 1 day @ a time...
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