my daily reflections…

learnin forgiveness and how to use it properly, for me, had to start with forgivin myself. this was the most difficult. there were others that rivaled self-forgiveness, but i was the toughest one. in recallin my list made in my 4th step inventory, my stepfather was one of the most difficult for me to make. i wasnt able to offer forgiveness to him until my sponsor literally made me. the emotional abuse i felt i had suffered from him allowed me to justify and rationalize the resentment, anger, and hate i had held within for decades. it took several writins for me to be able to finally forgive him. just as my stepfather was hard to forgive, i was the one who i owed forgiveness to the most. to honestly offer forgiveness to anyone, it was imperative that i forgive myself. the other seemed easy to forgive, but me, that was the one. it seemed as if a simple forgiveness could be said with just words, but actual honest forgiveness, forgiveness that meant somethin within, escaped me til i learned how to let go and forgive myself. it had to be done over and over due to my innate and incessant self-will to pull it back and roll around in the shit cesspool i was so familiar with and welcomed in. but forgiveness for self has come. and honest, truthful forgiveness for others stacked right behind it. it seemed as if those attempts at offerin forgiveness for others, chipped away at the wall i had built around forgiveness for self. with forgiveness given and practiced, ive found usefulness in self because forgiveness lightened my burdens. it helped me to experience even more freedom from the bondage of self. i was able to form true relationships with people and loved ones that i hadnt been able to in the past. it was a broadenin of horizons, an openin of heart, mind, and soul. it was simply service toward self. in learnin how to not judge myself so harshly, ive been able to experience how my HP can help me set right what is wrong within my personality. ive been made aware of my true needs. i get to deal with sobriety with self-forgiveness. 1 day @ a time...