my daily reflections…

for years i suffered under my own doins. shit that had happened to me, whether i had caused it, or whether i had nothin to do with its cause, had kept me from bein who i really wanted to be within and without. i had behavior and thinkin problems caused from these events that had me reactin to em in ways that harmed others. i felt i had to protect myself because there was nobody else who would. i was afraid others would use em against me creatin more problems in my life. i began to feel myself a victim and the only way to overcome these emotions was to show my ass. i neglected the love from others and often times ignored it because i didnt think it was genuine. with a disturbed emotional attitude, i used the emotional abuse i had suffered in my youth, as a weapon toward others to create an unhealthy lifestyle which had me usin manipulation tactics to cause others and myself harm throughout my life. selfishness, fear, and alcohol, provided an escape from feelin all this shit within. to deal with these emotional problems alcohol became a release from fear and loneliness. how could i have known alcohol would only exasperate these emotions and grow them into severe lack of emotional control, powerlessness, and unmanageability that only caused more fear and loneliness. i learned i had kept all of this within, in fear of ever lettin em be known. understandin why these caused me personality problems, and how i used to react to these situations and others around me, gave me an opportunity to move forward in this stage of my recovery, and make the proper amends i needed to begin to heal relationships with others and myself. the 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th steps provided a solution to my emotional health that started with the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd steps. now aware, my task now was to approach these harms done without causin more. my sponsor was essential in helpin me make the approaches needed so i could continue toward emotional balance and health. today i remember that my words can help or hinder. i get to benefit from usin soft words today. the precious gift of choice became apparent with these spiritual awakenins and ive learned how impactful a gift they are. 1 day @ a time...